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The Honest Lies of Todd Halford

8/29/2012

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The following story is not entirely true.  Then why tell it?  Because what part or parts of it are false has been a matter of speculation since it was first heard.  I leave it to you to decide for yourself where the truth begins, if it ever does, and when the lie ends, if it ever does.
 
Todd Halford died a rich man, according to sentimentalists.  He had a kind wife and two decent children when he departed for the great beyond.  According to others, he died poor.  Todd rarely owned more than two nickels to rub together, and what rubbing he could afford he did in the secrecy of his pocket, since anyone who witnessed him with any kind of currency insisted he pay his debts.  Todd owed money to more people than most towns have as citizens.  Yet, he managed to scrape by.  Todd was a whale of the debt ocean, able to come up for air rarely before diving into the blackest depths for extended periods.  If his family suffered from his fiduciary fiascos, they never, in testament to their character, complained.  In fact, it is unlikely anyone in the history of expenses has ever been as unflappable in the face of red ink; Todd Halford didn’t give one squirt of piss for money. 
 
Naturally, people inquired as to how he remained so unflinching so deep in the hole.  He didn’t appear to drink or take any copious amounts of drugs.  No one knew if he took antipsychotic medications, though the likelihood seemed to increase whenever he explained his calm.  For all intents and purposes Todd Halford was a relatively sober man who got along without concern for money.  He confessed to the need not the desire for it, and his wife often prayed people would settle for that much.  However, folks love to hear how they might escape their own wants.  Hoping to help them, Todd, to his wife’s dismay, would tell his tale.

(Let the record show that while Mrs. Halford may have routinely asked her husband to stop telling his story, due to the embarrassment she felt every time he told it, that does not mean she complained about money.)  
 
To any who asked and all who listened, Todd would say, “I tried to strike it rich when I was younger.  I didn’t plan, I expected to make my fortune before I turned 25, which would give me plenty of time to enjoy life, free from monetary concerns.  So I went looking for the fastest route to fortune.  For some reason -- don’t ask me why -- I thought the ocean would be a good place to start.
 
“I had designs on things like salvage, rare mineral deposits, treasure, and oil… mostly treasure.  I cashed in what I had and bought a rusted hulk, looked more likely to sink than float, and started combing the Caribbean.  Not a bad place to hunt for fortune.  If I couldn’t find lost gold then maybe I’d wrangle tropical fish to sell; and if I still came up bust, I figured I could turn my adventures into a novel of some sort.  I was always scheming back then, figuring any which way to turn what I did into a profit. Now I look back and can’t help smiling: fools are good for a laugh, even if they’re you.  
 
“So about six months go by.  I found a lot of wreckage, but nothing that’d sell.  Nobody wants some old fishing yacht, or the bones on it.  The only fish I ever got close to either I ate or they tried to eat me.  One got close, but that’s another story.  In any event, things were shaping up like I’d just been on a long vacation.  Nothing wrong with that, I don’t care what you say.  Six months drifting on cobalt blue, summer breezes all the time, and when I put in at some port or another, drinking the nights away.  
 
“But I worried too much about what I wasn’t doing rather than what I was, if you catch my meaning.  
 
“One evening I’m lounging on deck, off the coast of Jamaica near Kingston, when I hear this voice.  It’s a whiskey ravaged growl mumbling away this song.  I can’t tell what the person’s trying to say, though the melody sounds familiar.  There’s still enough light I can see this fellow in ratty jeans, wearing no shirt, standing ankle deep in the water.  He’s rolling a smoke and staring out at the water.  He sees me and waves.  I don’t figure any reason to be impolite, so I wave back, which he takes as an invitation, and I can’t help thinking, “Ah fuck.”  But he turns out to be a cool guy.  Name of Ramses.  We get to talking, and he wants to know what I’m doing there abouts, aye n aye.  I tell him.  He shakes his head, a strange little grin spreading.  Says if I want riches I should head east for two days, drop an anchor at the start of the third, and take a look underwater.  Says that’s where all the wrecks no one wants to find are.  
 
“Now, by then I’d half decided my fortune wasn’t going to be made on the waves.  As such, I was planning to head to Puerto Rico, and from there figure my next move. So heading two days east was sort of in my future regardless.  
 
“I won’t lie.  Notions of Fate crept into my head.  I was heading east anyhow, and along comes this fellow tells me to head that way -- your mind can be a terrible influence.  I left Jamaica as soon as I woke.  
 
“Two days.  Straight out. On the third day, I dropped anchor. Even though I’d wanted Ramses to be right, I was still surprised when my gear started going off.  I strapped on an oxygen tank and didn’t think twice, went right over the side.  After all, it was the only way to really know what was down there.  
 
“I don’t know how to tell you what I found down there.  The ocean doesn’t take care of what it claims.  Wherever it can, the water picks a thing apart. Sometimes it leaves enough the carcass is obvious.  Other times you can only guess what something’s supposed to be.  Down there was a tangle of trawlers, tramp steamers, vacation boats, fishing ships, small freighters, and just a mess of rusted metal.  I swam past cannons, like a pirate ship might have, and knew this had been a graveyard for a long time.  All kinds went down there; and I never once considered why.  
  
“Snaking my way through this industrial corral, I came across an iron box. It didn’t look like a chest out of some film.  It looked like any square box.  There was no lock on it, so I tried opening the lid.  Top flipped up easy enough, and I almost shit myself.  Inside was a collection of bones.  Looked like hand bones.  About then I started thinking, ‘Fuck this,’ when… I can only say I heard a whisper. Doesn’t matter how much you think something’s unreal, you still look around for it.  So there I was, on the bottom of the ocean, floating around looking for someone calling out to me.  I even began swimming towards where I thought it was coming from.  It kept repeating over and over, ‘Here. Here.  Closer, closer.  Come down to me.’  Can’t say how long I was searching for the source of it, when -- thank Christ for habit -- I checked my oxygen gauge.  Seeing it dipping into the red shocked me awake.  I aimed straight for the top, kicking hard… only the voice gets louder the more I swim away.  ‘HERE. HERE!  CLOSER, CLOSER.  COME DOWN TO ME!’  
 
“I stopped for a second, turned to look back.  To this day I don’t know why, though I felt this vague like hook pulling me towards the bottom.  But when I turned back, I saw the piled mess of boats stirring, like something underneath them was moving, shifting to come out from beneath.  
 
“Terror, fortunately, is a great motivator.  In about a blink, I was back to the surface, on my ship, and charging off as fast as the motor would take me.  
 
“Over the next couple of days I got to thinking.  I cycled through all the reasonable and less likely explanations, from bubbles in the brain to deep sea demons.  But in the end, all I could think about was one thing:  almost dying for something puts its value in perspective.  Sure, I wanted to be rich, but I didn’t want to die for it; and if I didn’t want to die for it, did it really matter all that much?  I figured no. And to this day I don’t give a fuck about a dollar.”
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What Were You Thinking?

8/17/2012

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Establish a beachhead 
at the point of turning back.  
Then the groundhog 
can keep it 
going for 
one day to the power of 
110.  
Around and around we spin.
Touch tips 
with the fingers 
of a dead man, 
and wonder 
which was who? 

This is the last time 
you'll sip my absinthe,  
You can get your own.
...if I'm the one paying
why are you the only learning?  
 
What was I thinking?  
No questions! 
 
She promised to have us both, 
but not back to back.  
Spit rotisserie
chicken fried friends.  
Those are my jeans.  
Got 'em off whose floor?  
This is like just 
back when 
we said never again.  
 
What was I thinking?  
Forgot the weather scan.
My slicker is the lube.  
And tune the radio 
all the way around, 
stop where it's best 
to be found. 
Rocking on the coast 
from coast to coast 
the highway -- 
two lane blacktop 
screaming from the roof of a Ford.   

What were you thinking?  
Are you me? 
I can't stop to inquire 
what I know. 
Hit the lights 
for the flash strobe 
we're all dancing in.  
Slide to the fade 
and blackout 
time travel 
to that place
we could get shot for shots.  
Drink me happy. 
Drink me horny.  
Drink my blood! 
This is the party 
I've been planning 
without thinking. 
 
And she seemed like a queen, 
so we're worshipping.  
But who is she? 
The one we started out the evening.  
I doubt it. 
But who cares? 
Too many investigating:  
what's up now and what's next.  
 
Stop having a mind, 
pour out for the flow, 
and follow.
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In Case of Death: Break Out Beers

8/7/2012

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Recent events have forced me to consider the unlikely event that I might die some day. The improbability of such a thought is obvious, however, it doesn't hurt to consider mortality every now and again. A healthy view of life in its potentially finite scope can be a motivating force, inspiring the removal of ass from couch.  Living forever has its perks, but it also promotes procrastination.  "I'll do it tomorrow" can become such a common statement you wake up one day with a red dwarf burning in the sky, the planet about to melt, and the realization you never did paint the garage like you promised. Though fatalists will contend, "But don't you see the stupidity of doing anything when we'll all burn in the Sun's death throws -- every trace of humanity's existence washed away?" I'm content to say, "Fuck all, I just wanted to point out a few things."

As such, I've put together some reflections and last wishes I hope might help the grieving get over my implausible demise.  
  
1.  YOU'RE NEXT.

If I can die, so can you.  Therefore, don't worry, you won't be feeling anything for long.  Granted, no one really knows what awaits in the great beyond. For all anybody knows this life is when we're supposed to be preparing to survive terrifying insect-like creatures who lurk in the shadows of the afterlife -- without proper survival training you won't last sixty seconds in the hereafter.  But then it could also be a peaceful oblivion.  Either one is equally probable, but when it comes down to your time is up, the last thing you'll be thinking about is, 'Did I leave the oven on... cuz that could start a fire.' I can guarantee you'll be thinking some variation of, "Fuck all,  I really don't want to be dead."   
 
So if anything, my death should spark terror recognizing that the deal is off and human beings are now susceptible to the natural order of things.  Death is going to beat us with a sack made of redheaded stepchildren!  Act accordingly.

 
2.  NO MATTER HOW SHORT IT SEEMS, IT STILL TAKES YEARS.
 
People often lament the briefness of existence yet never seem able to comprehend the lengthy duration.  Perhaps that's because some asshole is always comparing human life to that of something like -- oh I don't know -- a fucking rock.  "See those mountains?  They're millions of years old.  Our stay is nothing compared to that."  Yes, however, in all that time how much have they contributed to the world?  I'm not saying humans have made the best decisions all along the way (i.e.  war, religion, New Coke, peppermint schnapps, child porn, racism, Rush Limbaugh -- if you only focus on the bad there is no good.), but we've done more than just take up space.  Contrasting human existence with that of anything geologic is like saying a rock is more important than a physicist because the rock will outlive the maker of faster than light travel.  
 
It may be a bit solipsistic, but the perception of time is as important as its actual duration. Comparatively speaking our lives are short, but within those limits "timeless" things can occur; it all comes down to what you've done with your life.

 
3.  LAZY ASS MOTHERFUCKER!
 
No two people can really be judged by the same criteria.  For instance, I'm willing to bet every penny I have there are more guitar players in the world than will ever be needed by the history of music; and I further declare, staking every form of currency I have or will ever own, not all will be worthy of note.  
 
And so what? 
 
Some guys just want to play the guitar.  Some guys want to be rockstars.  Both guys are just trying to get laid.  It's the standards set for the individual which really dictate the supposed value of a life and which determine the success or lack thereof.  
 
Bob Dylan is living proof that still being around doesn't mean staying great.  
  
4.  TIME TO PARTY.
 
At my funeral I insist that all those who cry be ejected from the premises by catapult. If they wish to stay they must first spend seven minutes in heaven with my corpse in the casket, which should be designed to hold more than one person because let's face facts:  some people will wish to be buried (alive) with me.  
  
The wake will be BYOB.  Should the funeral home object, the combination to my gun safe is 16-27-13. Arm yourselves and secure the premises. It won't be hard.  Funeral staff are a very accommodating people.  

I would like for there to be all types of music, but I must insist that the following songs be played:

"Got Dat Work"  by Memphis Blac featuring Smokahontas Jones
"A Lapdance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying" by the Bloodhound Gang
"It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls
"Obzen"  by Meshuggah
"Battles"  by Atlas
"No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses
"Strange" by Kill Devil Hill
"Mama Told Me (Not to Come)" by Three Dog Night


Not necessarily in that order.
 
5.  INHALANTES PESSIMA, EXHALANT OPTIMUM

Seize the day is a fictional standby.  It waits on call to complete the obvious plots of thousands of books, short stories, films, songs, poems -- always at the center of any coming-of-age narrative. Carpe diem is so clichéd a six year old can rattle off the concept. Interestingly enough, said six year old will probably grasp it just as deeply as most people.   

The idea is neither new nor is its expression.  Yet the tale is always being told.  Why?  Because right now I can safely say I'm going to live forever.  Ten more years that conceit might start to crumble under some scrutiny.  The things I can fix about myself now will add up alongside the damage accrued over a lifetime of wild abandon (which most Carpe Diem films seem to imply is the best way to live life, making me wonder if said movies are really part of some conspiracy involving shitty vacation destinations and liquor manufacturers), and eventually my incredible ability to recuperate will be nonexistent.  The eternal me fades out of focus, and an aging individual with thinner hair, more brittle bones, and a tendency to forget why he got up till he's pissing down his leg, only then recalling he meant to buy cigarettes, will take his place.  I won't recognize him, no matter how familiar he seems.  But that's the point.  I don't want to be him.  I want to be forever thanks to the mistaken perception that the seized day is one I've throttled and forced a bottle of whiskey down -- the marauding youth who consumes the world knowing there's always time to heal up, finish the incomplete, and wake up beaming.  But what if I've got it wrong?
 
Life isn't the eternal quest to prove your choices are right.  It's a long journey to get okay with the inevitable.  You will be wrong.  You will be broken.  You will not fully recover.  But that's all okay, so long as you keep on living.

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CALL IN APOCALYPSE!

8/1/2012

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Make sure to check out the VISIONS section for a recent hallucination, CALL IN APOCALYPSE!  Or simply check it out on YouTube:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWXq3WNtWSs

Even the apocalypse can't slow down Jack Gash, the boldly clueless host of KBBZ's morning show THE PROWL.  "NEXT CALLER!"

Voices by Brian Block, J.  Rohr, and Stephanie Swartz.  All sound engineering by Brian Block.
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    Author

    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

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