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Sharing Stories

6/12/2015

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I wrote the following article for a magazine called Shadows Express, and they were kind enough to publish it a few years ago.  Unfortunately, that publication has since closed up shop.  As such the article is no longer available to the general public, so I figured what the hell I'm feeling lazy why not reprint some old material.  Well, that and it makes a salient point about the nature of story telling I feel is often lost on academics.

Sharing Stories

           Some of the greatest books ever written are inherently flawed.  They lack one critical element which makes them paradoxically imperfect.  On one hand they often are brilliant, insightful, belletristic examples of the human condition in myriad poignant expressions.  However, the other side of the coin is that they are inaccessible.  The average everyday reader isn't likely to ever pickup a book like Ulysses, and if they do they're highly unlikely to finish it.  I know few English majors who have the tenacity to scale the Everest-like peak of Joyce's prose, considering such quotes as:  

          "No question her name is puissant who aventried the dear corse of our Agenbuyer, Healer and Herd, our mighty mother and mother most venerable and Bernadus saith aptly that she hath an omnipotentiam deiparae supplicem, that is to wit, an almightiness of petition because she is the second Eve..."

            Many would immediately argue something akin to, "Ulysses isn't for everyone."  Well, that's the real shame isn't it?  At the heart of Joyce's novel is an exploration of humanity to which anyone can relate.  Ulysses overflows with characters looking for connections to other people while attempting to hide and/or radically embrace that which sets them apart from society at large; it's about how we affect people with everything we are, even the lies we only tell ourselves.  The significance of the novel's humanity far outweighs the artistic devices it employs, and I dare say the same is true for other mountainesque books like Gravity's Rainbow or Infinite Jest.  These are all novels about the human condition told with such depth and poetry as to make them life changing experiences.  Yet, the difficulty inherent in reading these novels makes them inaccessible to a wider audience.  As such, these works are consequently confined to a small circle of readers.  So it falls to those who have scaled these peaks to tell the rest of the world what lies at the summit. 

            Too often academics focus on the use of language in literature, the blending of historical allusions with contemporary events, and other critical dimensions which rarely share the real beauty of a story.  Alice in Wonderland may be an allegory about the madness Lewis Caroll saw in the emerging mathematics of his era, but most people want to hear about the adventures of a young girl in a strange dreamlike world, not the symbolic intentions of tea parties, March Hares, and linguistic riddles.  Therefore, it is the responsibility of those who love literature to share the emotional impact of great works with those who will likely never delve into them on their own. 

            I have a friend who enjoys Monty Python; however, what she loves is watching people retell episodes from the show.  The retelling may flub a few lines, or not have the same comical grace as the Python alums, but she says there's something more satisfying about the sketches in that context because people add their enjoyment to the telling.  I can't imagine anyone blissfully relating a breakdown of the comedic mechanics and satirical subtleties found in the Ministry of Silly Walks sketch.  However, I have seen someone ecstatically reenact the scene.  And that's what people should do with great literature.  After all, the purpose of storytelling is to share.

Bibliography:

Joyce, James.  Ulysses (the 1934 text, as corrected and reset in 1961).  New York: Random House, 1992.  pg. 384


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Inspired to Organize Chaos -- the works of Piet Mondrian -- An Artistic Challenge

5/2/2015

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Finding inspiration is a tricky thing.  Mainly that's due to the fact one wants a concept to imply a trajectory rather than dictate a course.  For instance, there are a great many ways to get from Chicago to Los Angeles.  A person might fly, drive through the Rocky Mountains, or even head East rather than West, going all the way around the world if so inclined.  In other words, the destination is not the most important aspect of a journey; just because one is inspired to go somewhere doesn't mean they need to follow the same route as their inspiration.  What I'm getting at is that artistic inspiration is often a balancing act of mimicry and personal style.  Case in point, I've been looking at the works of artist Piet Mondrian (1872 - 1944).  A Dutch painter, Mondrian belonged to the De Stijl art movement, helping to evolve a non-representational form he called neoplasticism.  At first glance Mondrian's work appears to be little more than grid patterns laid over a white background.  However, when looking at his pieces, Broadway Boogie-Woogie, and the unfinished Victory Boogie Woogie, it's easier to perceive the abstract geometry at play.  

Simplicity in art is often decried, believed not to be subtlety but rather lack of skill.  The same is sometimes said of abstraction.  This calls to mind the classic rebuff that "anyone could do that" which arises almost instantly.  Yet, though there may on occasion be truth to such insinuations, they don't apply to Mondrian.  In order to understand why one must first consider the dynamics of the De Stijl movement to which Mondrian belonged and influenced.  

The movement centered on what it deemed ultimate simplicity and abstraction, relying solely on horizontal and vertical lines producing rectangular forms.  Their formalized vocabulary consisted of only 6 colors:  red, yellow, blue, black, white, and grey.  Considering these rules, they become more challenge than simplification as one is charged with the task of producing an image that will strike a chord in the viewer using only these elements.  The artist is almost dared to make a statement armed with next to nothing.  In addition, De Stijl discouraged symmetry preferring instead an aesthetic balance through opposition.  

For my own part, I look at Mondrian's work and see mosaics implicative of the organized chaos we call existence.  Granted, the beauty of abstract art is the ability to allow the painting to be whatever the viewer sees, a kind of Rorschach test; however, quality abstract art, in my opinion, always has a purpose.  It isn't a blank stimulant meant to induce just any cognition.  The choice of colors, the nature of shapes, the size of a piece itself, all serve to conduct one's thoughts.  Though that said, the work remains open to interpretation which, in the end, is its greatest strength.  We could go on for hours about the influence of De Stijl's inclination toward neoplatonic philosophy, and the idea of the One, a term for an ineffable, absolutely simple, unknowable creative source that is the "teleological end of all existing things."  But that isn't the point of this article.

As I said, I look at Mondrian's work and see chaos ordered; the universe reduced to simplistic representations.  From this starting point, I set to work on a set of art pieces intended to play with that notion as well as borrowing stylistic elements from Mondrian and the De Stijl movement.  Like I wrote earlier, artistic inspiration is a balancing act.  So below I offer my mimicry balanced against my personal style. 

For more on Piet Mondrian visit Artsy's Piet Mondrian Page.



(The following three pieces are, in this order, Chapel, The City at Dawn, and The Market Place of Ideas.  To access larger versions go to the Visions section.)


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Giftmas List -- Flaming Hands -- Vampire Apocalypse

12/13/2014

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Ah Giftmas, it comes sooner than expected.  Why just this August I saw Xmas displays set up in a local retailer.  Though only a small portion of an aisle at the time, creeping Christmasy takes root earlier each year.  Before Halloween even, the ghoulish decor was competing for shelf space with glittery elves; and before another flick of the eyelid National Xmas Kick-off Day flew by signaling the final grim countdown to Giftmas.  Now's the time to spread a message of peace, love, and kindness, the spreading of which will result in a glorious material reward everyone knows better than to admit to expecting even though since childhood folks have been conditioned to believe otherwise.  If you're good Santa will bring you... stuff.

Well, that's where it gets tricky.  Despite the epic variety of products Santa's factory produces, the truth is Santa only seems to deliver certain items.  On the one hand it begs the question how good does a person have to be to get a monster truck?  On the other, is it possible I've been asking for the wrong things?  To explore that latter notion I sat down to pen a short list of what I'd want this year.  


1.  Mutant powers.


I've always wanted some type of superpower.  In fact, I doubt there's a single person on the face of the earth who doesn't.  And if you want to start a semantic argument because you'd prefer magic powers instead of super-, pull your head out of your ass.  In essence, they are the same goddamn thing -- flying is flying.

However, unlike others I'm willing to compromise.  I appreciate this might be a tall order to fill, especially given the relatively short amount of time to fill it.  Giftmas is only twelve days away, and rewriting my genetic code might take a tad bit longer than that; and I assume the red clad fatty knows since he has flying reindeer.  Nevertheless, as a compromise, how about a contraption that allows me to feel superpowered?  Like this amazing gizmo that lets a fellow shoot fire out of his hands, or this other one that gives a person working Wolverine claws.  I'm not greedy.  Any scenario that has me running through the mall shooting flames is good enough for me.

2.  Vampire hunting kit.

In a way this is a twofold request.  Assuming there are no such thing as vampires, I want Santa to make vampires real then give me a tricked out kit for killing them.  Although, if I'm not just being paranoid, and there already are vampires then it wouldn't hurt to have quality protection.  This 19th century traveling vampire killer's kit even purports that one of the materials it contains is magic.  Can't go wrong with that.

3.  Guns full of knives.

I've always wanted a gun that shoots knives.  Don't ask why because I can't explain it.  I just want a gun that shoots knives... like a throwing knife gun.  That can't be too hard to make.  There are people on the internet building stranger contraptions.  

Speaking of which...

4.  Mech Suit.

Meet KURATAS, a fully function robotic suit of armor.  A diesel engine allows this four legged, wheeled behemoth to move.  It can be piloted either from inside or via remote using a simple app.  Armed with twin Gatling guns, a LOHAS launcher, and a mechanical claw, KURATAS is the ideal stocking stuffer for someone planning world domination.  

Pre-conclusion

Before getting to the final item on my list, it's perhaps best to point something out.  This list isn't impractical.  Every single request links to the others, even the knife-gun.  Allow your mind to loosen a bit, and see the tapestry woven:

In a world overrun with vampires one man (who shoots flames out of his hands) is left to battle the rampaging blood guzzling horde (which may have been his fault, but we all make mistakes).  Armed only with a 19th century traveling vampire killer's kit and a Japanese war machine, he must murder-stomp his way across a country that no longer gives a shit it's Christmas.  Decorating and decapitating his way from one end of the nation to the other, bringing back the good cheer the vampires have stolen -- this Giftmas, deck the halls with blood.  

And when that's all done...

5.  Personalized Noble Painting.

Nothing says you've accomplished more in life than anyone else quite like a noble portrait.  Sure, it may seem egotistical to some, but that's assuming you bought one without first saving the world from murderous undead humanoid leeches.  Seems only fitting after saving everyone from the nightmare Santa gave me, vampire apocalypse and such, I should get a portrait of me not unlike Napoleon's, except in my version I'm riding some H.R. Giger monstrosity.  Yes, that would do nicely.

Merry Giftmas!



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Crossover Madness

12/4/2014

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For the time being comic book films are the rage, and if Marvel's plans are any indication, hopes are high this trend will keep raking in cash all the way to 2028.  Of course, back when the first X-men and Spiderman movies came out no one could have predicted how big this genre would become.  Imagine someone back in 2000 asking for $170 million to make a movie about a bunch of misfit buddies with a talking raccoon who flies spaceships, and promising to earn roughly $601.5 million with said flick.  That person would've been laughed out by everyone except Don Bluth.  And when it became clear superhero movies could earn mountains of cash initial thoughts went to grabbing hold of major franchises -- Spiderman, X-men, and all the characters contained therein.  However, the rush to buy these lucrative properties split up the universe they all inhabited.

See, in comic books characters belong to a shared universe depending on which publication prints them.  Iron Man, Captain America, Wolverine all inhabit the Marvel universe, while Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman live in the DC reality (read as Publishing Companies).  As such, characters from the same realities can interact with one another.  When characters with their own series appear in another characters' series it's called a crossover.  That's when the X-men get to team up with the Avengers, or Superman and Batman can glare at each other, Wolverine vs. Spiderman, etc.  However, cinematically, mainly when it comes to Marvel films, crossovers are unlikely to happen because different studios own the rights to different characters.  In other words, Sony owns the rights to Spiderman, and having a Wolverine vs. Spiderman movie means putting money in the pocket of 20th Century Fox, a Sony competitor.  So it ain't gonna happen... anytime time soon.

Okay.  That was painfully nerdy, but thinking about this got my gears turning, not just about the way Hollywood has hamstringed itself by dividing one potentially massive universe into several unconnected worlds, more to the point I started thinking about crossovers.  If somewhere down the line different studios decide to free up their private stash of cash cows might that open the door to an even broader arsenal of wallet grabbing films?  Comic book films could be the catalyst that frees up numerous properties, allowing them to blend into infinite possibilities.  Hell, in some instances it's just a matter of having the willingness to blend seemingly disconnected elements into one grand cinematic hybrid.

Follow me down the rabbit hole...

The Avengers proved that if Hollywood simply jams enough money makers into one film it doesn't really need much in the way of plot.  Any story problems can be covered up with sufficient CGI and explosions.  You saw a plot hole?  Look at the BIG EXXXPLOSION!  So with any luck it's only a matter of time before we're seeing just how far crossovers can go...

Amityville Ghostbusters

Silver Linings Playbook:  Black Widow... starring Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Renolds.

Interstellar 2:  The Dark Knight Inception

The Avengers:  Frozen... coming 2035...  because fuck you that's why.

August:  Osage County of the Dead

Pacific Rim 3:  Transformers 6:  The Godzilla Primer

...the possibilities are endless... terrifyingly unpleasantly endless... I can already envision a pitch going something like:

JAMES CAMERON'S BIGGEST WINNERS MASHED INTO ONE GIANT ACTION PACKED ADVENTURE SCIFI EXPLOSION IN WALLET RAPING 3-D!

Terminators accidentally end up on Pandora, and cause havok.  In a desperate attempt to save lives Jake Sully is projected back in time (never mind how -- we'll make up some hippie bullshit about astral projection later) where he ends up in the body of Jack Dawson onboard the Titanic.  Sully, using his future knowledge, manages to help avert the disaster.  When Titanic lands he goes to work on leaving behind warnings for the future.  However, what no one knew at the time is that mega-Hitler was onboard the Titanic, having drowned in the previous timeline.  As the world burns, Jake laments the reality he's brought into being until he sees a spaceship land on the ocean.  It's the NTIs -- "non-terrestrial intelligences" because we need a new word for aliens in order to sound clever -- from The Abyss. 

Jake goes out with a group of freedom fighters which includes Harry Tasker from True Lies to meet with them aliens.  The NTIs inform him they've fled their world which has been overtaken by vicious creatures.  Flash a picture of the Aliens from Aliens, and bam that base is covered.  Jake shares his own story of loss, first his legs, then Pandora, and finally Rose to mega-Hitler's death camps.  The NTIs offer to help Jake.  They take him back to Pandora where he gets a time travel do over.  Only on this trip he makes sure to sink the Titanic after leaving a message with Rose:

"You won't understand why I'm doing this, but trust me, Rose, you've got to trust me.  It's because I love you.  It's for the best."

Sully as Jack then blows himself up, sinking the Titanic in the process.  Of course, we see in the post credits that mega-Hitler survived, but that's cool because he's immediately eaten in a lifeboat by the flying piranhas from Piranha II: The Spawning... or even better!  A facehugger bursts out of the water leaving the door open for a sequel, Inglorious Alien Bastards.

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Transcript:  Unknown -- Better Left Unsaid or Undone?

11/29/2014

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While cleaning my bedroom I stumbled across an old portable recorder.  The microcassette inside wasn't blank, though the quality had deteriorated some.  The voice sounded vaguely like mine, the recording more akin to a sluggish acid recollection than me.  Still, despite the molasses speed of the distorted mush the vocals remained clear enough to catch coherent bits.  Unfortunately the tape didn't have a date, and the recording itself contained no hint as to when this rant got captured.  However, based on certain statements such as, "No knives on this expedition." -- I feel safe assuming an approximate date circa 2009 or '11.  But what the expedition was I can't say."Feels like the first stage of death... if that is the case, if I am dying, it's necessary to let everybody know don't touch my stuff, bury me with it.  Bury me deep, deep in the ground because I'll be coming back, possibly to kill you all."

At first I thought perhaps this might be a series of story notes, a monologue done in character, but it soon became clear I may actually have been recording some hallucinatory event, my own personal zombie Dr. Strangelove apocalypse brought on by god knows what.  All that I can be certain of is I began to experience "a growing numbness I can't get comfortable with.  It doesn't match the particulars of anything I'm used to enjoying... am I too tight?  Am I too loose?  Is it possible to be both at the same time?"  Chemically induced or not, the sound of my voice suggests that the events which followed appeared all too real.  

As the recording continues I describe some type of feral people rioting in the streets.  They're devouring the city; demolishing buildings by raping the bricks right off the walls.  No one is safe.  Fires burn everywhere.  Blood runs in the gutters, and children paint their faces after coating their fingers in these greasy rivers.  Naked groups of modern primitives surge through the streets forcing others down onto the sidewalk, and branding them.  Those so marked are soon descended upon by human locusts who strip the screaming pedestrians down to the bone.  The primitives then return to collect the bones, etching them with mystical runes then wearing them as jewelry or hollowing out femurs and ulna to use as pipes.  Mad men with Mohawks sport three piece suits and filed down teeth as they rocket about on homemade motorcycles of dubious quality but definite monstrous sound -- the machines roar like dinosaurs yet seem ready to fly apart.  I find a .357 magnum in the glove compartment, and start to feel safe because now I can kill myself at a moment's notice.  Still, I maintain a certain documentarian slant.  Instead of fleeing the scene I record: 

"Jesus, what are these people?  They're everywhere... flooding onto the highway, congesting traffic to a standstill.  There's no getting away from them -- no escape... we may have to go nuclear."

For a brief moment while listening to this, I indulge an oddly hope filled part of my mind, and start doing research to see if at any time in the recent past Chicago went through a stretch of temporary mass insanity.  Alas, no such luck.  The reality I recorded appears to have existed nowhere except for my mind.  A shame in a way, or so it seems until the record shares with me my realization there is no hope.  The crazies rule the city leaving only one grim option:  "A handgun in one hand, a grenade in the other, and a cigarette clenched tightly between my teeth.  Burn it down.  Burn it all away."  

At which point I can imagine myself pulling into a gas station, in fact hear background sounds suggesting as much during a pause in the rambling monologue.  The clunk-rattle-clatter of a gas pump nozzle being pulled free.  The hollow splashing noise one expects from a plastic jug filling with liquid.  The low hum of the highway in the distance implies a station not far from my house.  Like bits of a blackout resurfacing, a foggy memory returns to me, as I recall staring down two Mexican teenagers, one with a tattoo on his face of a crying skull, both of them obviously harder than me yet still somehow unnerved.  If the recollection is to be trusted, perhaps they're unease stemmed from the fact I have no shirt on though it's a chilly November evening; and I'm slicing a large dripping red X across my chest with a broken bottle.  

On the cassette a car door closes.  The tape plays an engine grumbling to life.  Indistinct mutterings follow, the decayed tape infrequently confessing in coherent bits the rest of the night:  

"Guns.  Bombs.  Liquor.  Drugs.  Sex.  Rock 'n' roll.  They're all outdated and useless.  We need bigger guns.  Bigger booze.  Bigger sex.  Bigger Rock 'n' roll.  Bigger, bigger, bigger bombs...  Carpet bombing.  What I'm proposing is... flying across, around, up, down, diagonally across the planet just carpet bombing."

Some music in the background, but I can't make it out, played too loud to be anything other than barking static.  The volume drops.  The rant continues:

"It's a curse to realize the edge is in fact behind you; it's only a matter of time before the Wiley Coyote realization gravity exists, and is still in full effect.  Though for the time being the revelation carries a blessing:  I will be less than legally responsible for whatever I do... ready to set things on fire."

Then that's it.  All I wrote, or spoke as it were.  Whatever happened afterward, either I didn't feel the need to document it, or I failed to realize the tape needed to be turned over.  In any event, I have no idea where the night went from there.  Though maybe it's better not to know.  Maybe I burned something down.  Maybe I did nothing at all.  It's hard to say which is worse.  On the one hand is arson, while on the other is someone who didn't follow through.

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Say What?

4/5/2014

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It's easy to mock people for a slip of the tongue.  So let's do that.  Why?  Because fuck 'em that's why. 


1.  Gib Lewis and the Disabled 


The name might not be familiar to some.  Gib Lewis is a politician from Fort Worth, Texas.  He was the first person to ever be elected as Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives five times in a row.  Quite a feat for a democrat in state known for its rightward inclination.  Old Gib hung up his hate in 1993, deciding that he wouldn't seek reelection... after getting caught taking bribes.  But back before his political career came to an end Gib Lewis was somewhat known in Texas for his odd remarks.  Such as the time he said, "I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."   

Now in all fairness that may have been a simple slip up.  Happens to a lot of people every day.  However, not many of us would have the unmitigated brass balled buffoonery to look at a group of people in wheelchairs then say, "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized." 

Gib Lewis did.  Of course, how was he supposed to know the group of people he was addressing on Disability Day might not be able to stand?  

2.  Alan Minter Doesn't Fear Death Apparently. 

Mr. Minter was a professional boxer.  Before going pro, however, he took the bronze medal at the 1972 Olympics in Munich.  He would later go on to become the World Middleweight Champion for a time.  His record speaks for itself:  39 wins, 9 losses -- 23 of those wins by knockout.   

At one point Alan Minter is quoted as having said, "Sure, there have been injuries and death in boxing -- but none of them serious." 

It's tempting to assume he meant none of the injuries have been serious, though one has only to glance at Muhammed Ali to think otherwise.  Or perhaps Mr. Minter's brain shouldn't be held up to average standards considering the pummeling it undoubtedly endured over the years.  But I take neither stance.  I think that in the tradition of all stout hearted macho men Alan Minter thinks anyone who dies is a pussy.

3.  GAN4 

Mandarin is the kind of language most people are made to learn as a punishment.  It's a nightmarish slew of homophones that only gets more agonizing in the written form.  So in order to simplify things a system known as Pinyin was developed.  In Pinyin all words with a similar sound are lumped in a category wherein they're represented by a single character as opposed to traditional Mandarin where every word has its own.  More simply put, instead of having a dozen characters that sound similar there is one character for them all.   

However, this simplification becomes problematic when trying to translate something.  See, the distinction between homophones is largely contextual.  Suppose you were to say the desert is blank, and you had two words to choose from:  dry or fuck.  Most people would choose fuck, giggle, then say dry.  The context informs the choice.  Unfortunately, computers aren't very good at context.  So we have all kinds of delightful mistranslations like these.  But I choose GAN4 specifically because it allows wondrous quotes such as: 

"Spread to fuck the fruit." 

"Fuck vegetables." 

"The shrimp fucks the cabbage." 

"Fuck to fry the cow river." 

Call me childish if you like.  I can't get enough "Fuck the Ginger Water."

4.  ...if mankind is still alive... 

Some people play the short game.  Live for today because that's all that matters.  Others think in the long term.  Life gets planned for the miles ahead, the years to come.  But every so often there are those who think in the galactically distant beyond.  Peter Snow is one such individual.

Peter is an anchor for the BBC, who one day reported, "The FA are still optimistic about England's bid to stage the World Cup in twenty thousand and six."  I'll admit I didn't entirely catch the fault at first glance.  Mr. Snow has just reported that England wants to host the World Cup in 20,006. 

Granted, the World Cup will be played that year, but everyone knows the Mars colony is going to get it.  What an idiot. 

5.  Didn't See This Coming. 

Keisha, also known as Kei$ha, soon to be known as Who?, was one of the seemingly infinite flash in the pan celebrities who take up space in the cultural zeitgeist; those whose celebrity is meant to remind us that the spirit of the times isn't as great as we think/thought.  To her credit, Keisha appeared to be aware of her status, a one hit wonder the public uses to kill time till someone truly talented comes along.  Or maybe I'm just getting more forgiving as I get older. 

In any event, Ms. Dollar Sign-Ha had this to say:  "My favorite keepsake is my placenta.  My mom found it in the basement, crushed it up, and made it into a necklace that I wear everyday to improve my psychic ablities." 

This quote is fabulous as it raises so many questions.  Was Keisha's placenta slithering around the basement of her childhood home, and her mother just happened across it one day then went on the hunt?  If Keisha has psychic powers why is she wasting her time on pop music, shouldn't she be out solving crimes?  If I steal said necklace will I gain the ability to look like a truck stop hooker? 



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Change in I

3/27/2014

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Hello readers.  Be sure to check out this piece of sci-fi.  It's got all the good weird you find here.  http://apparentmag.com/2014/03/25/change-in-i-by-j-rohr/
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Prepare for Liver Failure!

2/28/2014

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Can you smell it?  The aroma of triarylmethane is in the air, and that can mean only one thing:  Fast Green FCF.  Never mind it's been known to produce tumors in lab animals, or have occasional mutagenic effects on people, Fast Green FCF will soon be flowing through every beer tap in the country... because the negative effects come from ingesting it in an undiluted form.  Cutting Green No. 3 with beer is bound to make it perfectly harmless, the same way alcohol makes every frat boy a cuddlesome kitten.  But enough of the dark side, a holiday is fast approaching.  That means joy; it's time to prepare.

 

No holiday is complete without tradition.  On Thanksgiving I like to plop down on the couch with a pint of whiskey, and watch Home for the Holidays.  After an epic example of shemomedjao (an actual term from the great country of Georgia meaning to eat well beyond fullness just to keep enjoying the deliciousness) there's nothing better than entering an alcohol induced coma as Charles Durning says, "Lately everything's been changing too damn fast, and all sorts of things that were always the same, even things we hated like shoveling the turkey and stuffing the snow..."   

But I'm not a fool.  I don't just dive head long into this stupor.  I take the time to condition myself.  This is what the holiday drunk does not understand.  While some of us make it look easy there is much that goes into being able to run the marathon that is St. Patrick's Day.  Still, with only two weeks left there's time enough to reach the point you won't be found passed out on the street covered in green vomit wearing a crown of (used) glow in the dark emerald condoms... sorry Sid, but you passed out like an amateur bitch leaving us with little choice.   

Preparations have begun in earnest.  The first thing most people flaw on is assuming tolerance is the only facet worth upgrading.  While it helps to be able to pound with the best even the most ample tolerance can be beaten by drink-sprinting.  Drink-sprinting is when fools chug beers at a suicidal rate, or fire shots to warp towards a blackout at light-speed.  It's better to keep one's own personal pace in mind; and only a cunt makes fun of a person for not slamming a bottle of tequila in an hour -- that way madness lies.   

See, tolerance is often mistaken for the concept of duration.  The goal is to reach a peak then maintain that level for as long as possible.  If that means drinking a glass of wine every hour for sixteen straight, so be it.  I for one would rather hang out with the so-called lightweight sipping beer all evening than an incoherent loose puke cannon.   

The next thing to keep in mind is cash.  Unfortunately, alcohol costs money.  Somebody somewhere is working to fix that problem, but I doubt a solution will arrive before the 17th.  So it's necessary to stockpile a horde of green.  And this isn't just for drinking.  Money is also good for other goods and services.  For instance, at some point alcohol always results in the inhibition of culinary logic.  The diner on the corner where the burgers are probably mad sewer rat under edible plastic masquerading as cheese is the best goddamn dining experience in the history of creation after a six hour bender.  See, people tend to confuse the sensation of thirst for hunger, so at some point the dehydration alcohol produces triggers a response that sends many howling to the first food source they can find.  But said indulgence requires the green.  Nothing leads to smashing open an inconveniently closed convenience store at 3 in the morning like insufficient funds for a burrito made of grease and diseased horse meat.  Plus, let us not forget the other peripheral expenses that pop up over the evening:  gasoline, cigarettes, drinks for the ladies, jukebox, condoms, a frozen turkey to clog a bowling alley ball return, lighter fluid for writing on your ex-girlfriend's front lawn, a lighter, bail, bandages, strippers in Kelly green g-strings, cabs, etc. 

The other preparation is clothing.  There is nothing wrong with wearing everyday wander about clothes.  No squad of secret police is lurking around waiting to beat some sense into a person for not wearing anything green.  That said, if a leprechaun should whisper in your ear to go festive the best advice is to go big.  Be the most obnoxious eyesore the world has ever seen adorned in verdant furs, emerald sunglasses, glittering green bling, chartreuse shirt, mint cologne, lime pants, jade belt buckle, and alligator boots.  Just keep in mind, however, these mirthful accoutrements attract all kinds of attention from less joyful drunks looking for any excuse to punch someone to cops who are pretty much in the same aforementioned category.  So either blend in or be ready to set the world on green fire... and if the latter is chosen don't be too surprised when one of the sloppy drunks complimenting your epic outfit pukes on you.

 

And that's really all there is to.  The odd thing being this is all a person really needs to be prepared for life.  Go at your own pace, wear what makes you comfortable, and be ready for the unfortunate necessity of paying cash money for everything, while sprinkled in there is the need to be aware other people are sometimes a hazard to one's well being, in addition to the understanding that some decisions in life which can lead to the greatest satisfaction don't involve logic.  Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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Valentine's Day 2014:  Love is like Shit...

2/11/2014

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When I first heard the idea there’s someone for everyone I initially misunderstood the concept.  I was eight at the time.   As such I believed it meant there is exactly one single person in the world with whom I will fall in love.  Granted, that’s sort of the whole concept of monogamy:  two people, one heart, romance, poetry, and cinnamon sunshine.  However, my eight year old brain started worrying how one goes about meeting this individual.  

The whole notion sounded like Fate.  The universe set aside someone for me, and conversely I for them.  This meant that at some point I would end up in a situation where I met this predestined love of my life.  Such thinking provided a certain sense of relief until I became an altar server.   

Those responsibilities resulted in my attending a lot of funerals, as well as my first realization that some religious ceremonies like wafting incense over a casket might be more to cover the smell of decay than a symbolic act of prayer.  On these occasions I tended to overhear, from time to time, conversations about a variety of elderly people dying alone.  Often such remarks were accompanied by phrases like they never found the right person.   

But wait a minute, I started to wonder, isn’t there supposed to be someone for everyone?  Yet, Catholic corpses kept turning up whose lives involved one grim romantic failure after another.  It seemed the universe didn’t guide soul mates together.  A fellow had to go out in search of the other half of his heart.  This reconceived perspective brought on a crippling terror (though it would relieve me of the previous horror of predestination). 

See, if there is truth to someone for everyone but no invisible hand of Fate bringing said individuals together then the possibility existed that my soul mate may very well be living somewhere I might never find them.  In other words, the love of my life could be a farmer in rural China, whom I have to locate without any indication that’s where I’m supposed to be looking.  This thought did indeed keep me up some nights. 

After all, there is nothing in our society which dictates that being alone isn't a bad thing; happy endings only occur for those able to pair up at the end of the movie.  Being aware of this at a young age can really fuck with your head.  So I found myself trying to solve a mystery without any clues. 

Part of the reason for this dilemma stemmed from the fact I had no conception of a quote, unquote dream girl.  Up until the age of 17 my idea of a fantasy lover was a faceless female form whose proportions and skin color changed with my mood; I wanted to be with everyone.  Most will be quick to point out this difficulty sounds like a complication due to raging hormones; I didn’t want to be with everyone, I wanted to fuck everyone.  And I would be inclined to agree if it were not for the fact I don’t consider the two notions exclusive.  I won’t speak for other people, however, if I end up with one person for the rest of my life, I hope we have sex on a regular basis.  So excuse me if I tend to factor in sexual appeal alongside similar taste in movies.  The real problem was my own unformed self at the time. 

I didn’t grow up in an environment where personal experimentation was encouraged.  My father to this day believes there is a satanic influence in rock ‘n’ roll; that the devil directly produced the music of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix, Queen, AC/DC – all the music he’s never liked -- to corrupt the world.  I once came home with black fingernail polish on, and was made to clean my hands in front of him while he lectured me on how I’d embarrassed the entire family, especially my dead mother.  (In my defense, I was, at the time, dating a goth girl, and I have never dated a woman who didn’t want to put makeup on her boyfriend.  Plus, I looked fucking good.)  So growing up it wasn’t easy to try out personality variations.  Most of my conceptions of self tended to be hypothetical.  But like all teenagers I learned the art of leading a double life:  one way for my Pops, the other around my friends.  When I finally did have a firm grasp of the kind of person I wanted to be I started cementing my notion of the perfect woman.  At last, I could start looking for that special someone whom I could call my soul mate.  This would only lead to more problems.   

A fantasy by definition is not real.  I made the mistake of crafting too precise a portrait.  The consequence being I was looking for too specific an individual.  I sometimes punch myself in the dick when I think about how I once passed up a chance to talk to a wonderful young woman because we didn’t like the same music.  She has multiple sclerosis now, yet I feel like I missed out on something special.  The point being that dream person should only be painted with broad strokes.  The odds of finding a woman with violet cat’s eyes, an hour glass figure, pixie cut black hair, tattoos, none of which are fucking flowers, with a love of literature, heavy metal music, and horror movies – it’s not impossible, but holy shit is that specific; I’ve learned to be more flexible… but not about the flowers. 

I don’t worry about romance, love, or meeting someone the way I used to.  Love is like shit.  It happens, whether you want it to or not.  The real trick is to just let it.  Over thinking these things only makes them seem more complicated than they are.  Finding love is just a simple matter of saying hello.

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Give Till It Hurts

12/5/2013

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I promise at the end of this little journey through the Sun, Nazism, grammar, and the hypocrisy of Mother Teresa you'll be better set to enjoy the holidays.  I know, I know.  Nobody wants to talk about grammar, but bear with me. 

We'll start with a simple question.  What color is the Sun?  You've probably already answered yellow, maybe thrown in a touch of orange or red, and as a result gotten the answer wrong.  I'll repeat that.  If you said our Sun is yellow you're wrong.  But don't take my word for it.  Check out this NASA satellite photo of the Sun. 
Picture

The Sun is, for the most part, green.  Technically, yellow is correct because that's the only color people see.  The Earth's atmosphere filters out higher spectrum colors leaving us with the familiar glow.  However, the truth is that our Sun is a blaze of boiling green.  (Well, even more technically correct is in space the Sun burns white, but science, science, science and so forth.) 

 

"But what about Sciencey shows?  They throw up yellow pictures of the Sun all the time."

 

Simple.  Cosmologists sometimes change the color of Sun photos so the general public will recognize the image.  Consider that if someone showed you a picture of a green sun your first reaction wouldn't be, "Hey that's ours."  So instead of having to devote a few minutes to going over things like the color spectrum, and atmospheric light filtration TV cosmologists simply digitally alter the Sun to familiar shades.  Then they can get to more important things like how the Sun is planning to kill us all in a few million years.

 

In the end, people have a perception of the world that isn't wholly true.  As a result everyone "knows" the color of the Sun without actually knowing a damn thing about it; reality is a series of perceptions rather than facts.

 

Take John Dryden.  He lived during the 1600s during what is known as Restoration England. 

Dryden so dominated the literary landscape at that time he felt safe taking a huge shit on what he considered lesser writers like Ben Jonson and William Shakespeare; and one of the things he criticized them for was using a preposition at the end of sentence.  Now, the pretentious out there will say, "Of course he did, and he was right.  No one is supposed to end a sentence with a preposition."  Which would be fine except there is no actual rule, or obligation under pain of hand amputation not to use a terminal preposition.  The whole concept that such a thing is wrong comes, primarily, from John Dryden not liking sentences ending in such a fashion.  It was just something he refused to put up with.

 

One man bitched enough to create what is essentially an urban legend of grammatical correctness.  And in a way, this is a good thing because it shows that one person can change the world.  So it doesn't take much to alter reality.  The question then is how far to take things.

 

Nobody wants to think of the Nazis as having any sense of decency, but apparently, even they had their limits.  Enter Oskar Dirlewanger.  Historians have described him as "a psychotic killer and child molester," "violently sadistic," and more than likely a necrophiliac.  So it makes perfect sense he was put in charge of an entire brigade... especially since every soldier in it came from either a prison or a lunatic asylum.  Imagine a military unit composed of several thousand convicted serial killers, mafia hitmen, and all around violent sociopaths.  The Dirlewanger Brigade was a nightmare tornado of rape, torture, baby bayoneting, and gruesome murder; it is estimated that in one day this one brigade murdered almost 35,000 people.  Answerable only to Hitler's second in command, Heinrich Himmler, the Dirlewanger Brigade was given free rein to act in whatever manner it wished.  As result, they committed atrocities so horrendous that a Nazis judge attempted to have them brought up on war crimes charges. 

That bears repeating.

A Nazis judge found the actions of the Dirlewanger Brigade so atrocious he wanted to prosecute them for war crimes.  And in a sense he wasn't alone.  One SS officer described the brigade as "more a group of pigs than soldiers."  General Heinz Guderian wrote to Hitler asking that the brigade be sent to the Eastern Front, a veritable death sentence at the time.  Himmler himself often sent orders that local police and troops be on the ready because when the brigade got going they sometimes became so frenzied they killed anything that moved, including other German troops. 

In essence, even Nazis didn't want to be associated with the Dirlewanger Brigade.  And that means there is a point in everyone where human decency kicks in.  There is only so much misery a person can witness or be a cause of before feeling the need to act.  Unfortunately, not everyone has that much faith in humanity which brings us to Mother Teresa. 

Many know her as the sarcastic taunt most likely to occur when someone tries to do something decent for no apparent reason -- "Way to go Mother Teresa."  But this verbal abuse is actually based on a real person.  Mother Teresa is regarded by thousands as a true saint.  Due to her charity work in the more hellish parts of Indian, she is considered by some as proof of how religion can motive people to great acts of kindness.  However, the more appropriate sentiment might be how religion continues to manipulate people into doing something they might not otherwise do. 

See, in the later part of her life Mother Teresa began harboring serious doubts about the existence of god.  She wrote to close friends expressing concerns such as, "Where is my faith?  Even deep down… there is nothing but emptiness and darkness... If there be God — please forgive me."  She also wrote, "What do I labor for?  If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true."

In the closing decade of her life Mother Teresa didn't believe in god yet used her saintly status to keep raking in the cash.  It sounds harmless -- the money went to charity -- except she kept promoting her cause as a religious one.  See, religion doesn't simply offer the notion that helping others is an act of decency, it says charity is rewarded in the afterlife.  Every kind act is to be regarded as a point one can exchange later for admission through the pearly gates.  The more points one has the easier it is to get in.  That Mother Teresa kept, in essence, utilizing this spiritual bribery to elicit donations suggests she didn't trust humanity to be charitable without some motivating factor.  Although it is true millions are donated to various charities every year, each donation is the result of some type of catalyst:  a super typhoon destroys a country, the right celebrity begs for cash, a loved one dies of or suffers from a particular disease, sitting through the whole sad critter commercial.  People give when and where they think it is needed most.

So what does all this have to do with one another?

Based on how people see the world they react accordingly.  Yet, how a person views the world is always limited.  Those limitations inspire the way in which an individual responds to circumstances, often leading to fatalistic disillusionments such as, "But I'm just one person," regardless of how much one person can in fact affect the world.  However, regardless of disillusionment or apathy, from time to time there are events so extreme they force people to act.  What motivates a person is irrelevant given that at our core there is something which compels us to stop accepting the various levels of prevalent tragedy.  So, in the end, people will do the right thing when they think it's the right time, but the so-called right time is like the color of the Sun -- you only think you know what's best.

My point being don't be cynical about charity.  Just because the makers of the Fast and the Furious 6 have now tied the release of that film's DVD to a charity in memorial of recently deceased actor Paul Walker isn't a shameless ploy to increase sales.  It has the genuine intent of helping people.  So go out this Tuesday and buy it.  You might inadvertently help save someone's life.

 

 

SOURCE MATERIAL:

http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/sdo/news/first-light.html

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap070624.html

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words/ending-sentences-with-prepositions

http://www.merriam-webster.com/video/0025-preposition.htm

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/poland/5171773/Notorious-SS-unit-traced.html 

http://www.factualworld.com/article/Oskar_Dirlewanger

Steven J. Zaloga, The Polish Army 1939–45, page 25 

Richard Rhodes Masters of Death: The SS-Einsatzgruppen and the Invention of the Holocaust

J Bowyer Bell Besieged: Seven Cities Under Siege, page 190

Bryan Mark Rigg Hitler's Jewish Soldiers: The Untold Story of Nazi Racial Laws and Men of Jewish Descent in the German Military, page 334 

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/letters-reveal-mother-teresas-secret/ 

http://popwatch.ew.com/2013/12/03/fast-furious-dvd-sales-benefit-charity/

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    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

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