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Posthumous Debt Solutions

12/19/2011

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Four years ago Congress approved the start of a radical new business.  Since then Posthumous Debt Solutions has been a constant source of outrage, debate, and hope for thousands of Americans.  

Described as grave robbers, slavers, and a host of other indictments, the polarizing enterprise began as a military endeavor.  Dr. Marlow Brinksfeld informed us, "Reanimating the dead has always been a military goal, going back as far as the Civil War.  Most American's don't know that Lincoln ordered, what can only be described as, voodoo experiments to bring soldiers back to life.  When the process my colleagues and I developed in 1983 proved successful the army thought they now had access to an inexhaustible supply of service men."  However, the procedure left the reanimated with limited cognitive functions.  Consequently, the revived individuals turned out to be useless as troops.  Dr. Brinksfeld's discovery would then languish in secrecy for the next twenty years.

In 2003 the defense contractor Laing Research and Development was facing bankruptcy.  Searching for any possible way to keep the company afloat, a young executive named Killian L. Reilly proposed taking Laing R. & D. in a radical new direction.  The Washington Post quoted Reilly in 2004, "I was looking through our canceled projects, things that had been successful but put aside for various reasons, when I came across the reanimation process.  And the solution to all our problems just hit me." 

What Reilly foresaw was a debt solution company utilizing cheap labor in the form of reanimated individuals.  Anyone with massive debt could volunteer to be reanimated after a natural demise and put to work.  Of course, the limits of the reanimated confined them to minimum wage jobs -- ones that didn't require higher education or much thought.  Reilly said, "They can only learn the simplest things, but the point is they can learn repetitive actions and simple patterns."  Laing R. & D. voted to go ahead with Reilly's proposal, though several members of the board quit in protest. 

Soon thereafter the revamped company launched a massive lobbying onslaught.  Attached to the Consumer Credit Protection Act, Laing R. & D. pushed through a bill permitting an "emergency escape" for individuals suffering from massive debt.  Recently impeached Illinois congressman Dale Hornauer said, "We slipped it in with some clever language, tied it around wage garnishing.  Basically, you die, P.D.S. reanimates you, and the corpse works wherever it's needed.  Its wages get split between maintenance of the corpse -- feeding it, sheltering it, and so forth -- and whatever creditor, creditors can provide a legitimate claim." 

Popularly known as the Zombie Bill, the public mostly ignored the topic, believing it to be a rumor or urban myth.  However, in 2007 the passing of the bill provoked immediate reaction.  Several politicians who'd been fighting the bill since it's proposal issued this statement, "We tried to warn you.  Now it's your own fault for not paying attention."  Despite a host of articles from various publications and a series of televised investigations into the subject, only a small percentage of the American public knew anything about the bill.  Congressman Hornauer said, "You tell me the last five bills that got passed and what they're about, and I'll {expletive deleted}." 

In 2008, 72 year old Alfred Helmansen became the first indentured corpse in American history.  He voluntarily agreed to be reanimated and put to work in order to keep his family from inheriting the $250 thousand debt he'd accrued over his lifetime.  His son, Nathan, said, "My Pops was a good man, but he didn't know a thing about money.  He just kept getting in over his head.  But this is what he chose to protect us from his mistakes." 

For many that's the crux of the dilemma.  P.D.S.'s services are voluntary.  In other words, people offer to be reanimated rather than being asked to be reanimated.  According to Killian Reilly, that's a crucial difference, "We don't make anyone use our services.  It's up to the individual."  But for some it still sounds like preying on the desperate.  Yet, opposition is dwindling. 

The increasing supply of inexpensive labor indentured corpses provide is making products around the country cheaper.  Already retailers such as Walmart are signing up for access to reanimated labor.  Whether stocking the shelves or manufacturing products, the reanimated are becoming a vital part of the workforce.  Gerald Spiegel, part of the Alliance for American Advancement, an economic think tank, said, "Like it or not the price of consumer products is dropping.  And since the economy hasn't been doing too well resistance to the indentured corpse is eroding.  The fact of the matter is people want low prices more than they want fair business practices.  Not to mention the conundrum that the reanimated are technically dead, so their rights are hard to nail down." 

Furthermore, for many American's Posthumous Debt Solutions is a chance to escape from a personal sword of Damocles.  Alan Cunningham recently signed up with P.D.S.  Since 1996 he's been sinking steadily deeper thanks largely to a hospital bill.  He said, "My wife and I had a kid, and I got a loan to pay for the hospital bills.  After that it was just like every year something got me deeper.  We had a kid, so we figured we needed a house.  So it's like loans, and mortgage, and interest.  It eats away.  But now I got this, so all my debts are gone." 

At age 33, it might seem like Alan won't be repaying anything for a long time.  However, Killian Reilly says, "A lot of the indentured corpses are elderly, but America's health isn't very good.  A significant portion of the reanimated are in their fifties, forties, or even younger thanks to cancer, obesity, drunk driving accidents, so their population has a diverse age range."

But age diversity is low on the list of concerns many have.  There is a constant worry the reanimated will turn into the shambling cannibals of the silver screen, though no event has given that concern any credence.  Such fears may just be a population adapting to a new social norm.  In any event, the European Union has begun debates on whether or not to allow Posthumous Debt Solutions to offer services across the pond.  Early signs seem to point to a tentative yes.  So, for the time being, the money is in the corpse. 
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    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

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