The following is the transcript of an unaired infomercial, circa 2009:
Torture Lite. It sounds like a new extreme beer -- "TORTURE LITE! Blackhole stout! It'll gangbang your brain!" -- but this is actually a term for the humanitarian direction torturers have tried to take.
Inflicting physical pain is a vulgar process that leaves scars and has the potential to kill. Torture Lite, however, leaves a detainee relatively intact. In addition, it requires no more effort than pressing a button. Just push play, and in a few short
hours, a day at the most, you'll have an incarcerated individual foaming at the mouth, begging to inform interrogators about... well, anything.
In the past, torture methods involved draconian practices which often left subjects bloody, sweaty, and all around gross.
With Torture Lite, detainees have no fear of being battered, skewered, zapped, pummeled, or half drowned. They just have to sit in a room and listen. The only assault is aural! And when asked, most people prefer listening to music over getting punched in the face. So Torture Lite is technically a preference.
This methodology is one of the many psyop applications being utilized to exploit the inherent fragility of the human psyche. Did that sound too technical? Then imagine this: David Grey's Babylon playing twenty-four hours a day until you beg for sweet death. And keep in mind, anyone afraid of melodic chart topping hits is probably a monster.
But not everyone is affected by music in the same way. So a variety of songs make up the Torture Lite playlist. From
Deicide's Fuck Your God to Barney the Dinosaur's I Love You, a full musical array is used to turn a Closed Mouth Clara into a Chatty Kathy.
Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen, Eiffel 65's Blue, Eduar Khil performing Trololo, and Atlas by Battles, can all be found on this latest rendition (no pun intended) of Torture LITE! Nonviolent Devastation.
Don't let the title fool you. Torture Lite is an aggressive product, guaranteed to elicit any variety of reactions, especially when bonus tracks, such as Meow Mix remix featuring screaming babies, is applied.
Worried about using the music of famous acts such as Metallica or Eminem? Don't be! Whenever asked about the use
of their music in Torture Lite collections all artists have expressed NO COMMENT, which is universally understood as a tacit That's okay (1). Although, some, such as Metallica's own James Hetfield, have expressed no discomfort being featured. When Enter Sandman was used on Torture LITE! Iraqi Soundscapes, James Hetfield said, "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqis be any different." (2)
Well said James.
Normally, this ad would only be seen by military officials, but for the first time ever, their tactics are being made available to the public. Employees getting out of line? Children acting up? Neighbors? For the low, low price of 39.99 you can have access to a "nonviolent" solution for most of life's problem.
Imagine being able to push play and knowing that in a few short hours, you'll have all your ducks in a row. Speaking of ducks! Call now to get the bonus track: LLAMMA SONG (3). Torture Lite is a scientifically proven means to break someone else's will without causing physical damage. Instead of hitting your child, just a couple hours listening to only one track will turn your deviant teen back into the sweet angel you remember. Chip the intern not getting his reports in on time? Then tell him, "Every minute your report is late is an hour with Pearl Jam's Don't Gimme No Lip."
After a while you won't even have to press play. Just hover your finger over the button.
Where else can you get such incorporeal coercive material? Songs by artists such as:
·
Britney Spears
R.E.M. ·
Rage Against the Machine·
The Sesame Street gang·
Drowning Pool·
Meatloaf·
Red Hot Chili Peppers·
Don McLean ·
Limp Bizkit ·
Lil Kim·
Christina Aguilera
and the Boss himself, Bruce Springsteen.
ACT NOW! Operators are standing by. number redacted
Footnotes:
1. David Grey has expressed a certain moral discomfort with the use of his song Babylon. However, the significance of his opinion is directly related to his significance as a celebrity.
2. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jun/19/usa.guantanamo
3. http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama
Torture Lite. It sounds like a new extreme beer -- "TORTURE LITE! Blackhole stout! It'll gangbang your brain!" -- but this is actually a term for the humanitarian direction torturers have tried to take.
Inflicting physical pain is a vulgar process that leaves scars and has the potential to kill. Torture Lite, however, leaves a detainee relatively intact. In addition, it requires no more effort than pressing a button. Just push play, and in a few short
hours, a day at the most, you'll have an incarcerated individual foaming at the mouth, begging to inform interrogators about... well, anything.
In the past, torture methods involved draconian practices which often left subjects bloody, sweaty, and all around gross.
With Torture Lite, detainees have no fear of being battered, skewered, zapped, pummeled, or half drowned. They just have to sit in a room and listen. The only assault is aural! And when asked, most people prefer listening to music over getting punched in the face. So Torture Lite is technically a preference.
This methodology is one of the many psyop applications being utilized to exploit the inherent fragility of the human psyche. Did that sound too technical? Then imagine this: David Grey's Babylon playing twenty-four hours a day until you beg for sweet death. And keep in mind, anyone afraid of melodic chart topping hits is probably a monster.
But not everyone is affected by music in the same way. So a variety of songs make up the Torture Lite playlist. From
Deicide's Fuck Your God to Barney the Dinosaur's I Love You, a full musical array is used to turn a Closed Mouth Clara into a Chatty Kathy.
Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen, Eiffel 65's Blue, Eduar Khil performing Trololo, and Atlas by Battles, can all be found on this latest rendition (no pun intended) of Torture LITE! Nonviolent Devastation.
Don't let the title fool you. Torture Lite is an aggressive product, guaranteed to elicit any variety of reactions, especially when bonus tracks, such as Meow Mix remix featuring screaming babies, is applied.
Worried about using the music of famous acts such as Metallica or Eminem? Don't be! Whenever asked about the use
of their music in Torture Lite collections all artists have expressed NO COMMENT, which is universally understood as a tacit That's okay (1). Although, some, such as Metallica's own James Hetfield, have expressed no discomfort being featured. When Enter Sandman was used on Torture LITE! Iraqi Soundscapes, James Hetfield said, "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqis be any different." (2)
Well said James.
Normally, this ad would only be seen by military officials, but for the first time ever, their tactics are being made available to the public. Employees getting out of line? Children acting up? Neighbors? For the low, low price of 39.99 you can have access to a "nonviolent" solution for most of life's problem.
Imagine being able to push play and knowing that in a few short hours, you'll have all your ducks in a row. Speaking of ducks! Call now to get the bonus track: LLAMMA SONG (3). Torture Lite is a scientifically proven means to break someone else's will without causing physical damage. Instead of hitting your child, just a couple hours listening to only one track will turn your deviant teen back into the sweet angel you remember. Chip the intern not getting his reports in on time? Then tell him, "Every minute your report is late is an hour with Pearl Jam's Don't Gimme No Lip."
After a while you won't even have to press play. Just hover your finger over the button.
Where else can you get such incorporeal coercive material? Songs by artists such as:
·
Britney Spears
R.E.M. ·
Rage Against the Machine·
The Sesame Street gang·
Drowning Pool·
Meatloaf·
Red Hot Chili Peppers·
Don McLean ·
Limp Bizkit ·
Lil Kim·
Christina Aguilera
and the Boss himself, Bruce Springsteen.
ACT NOW! Operators are standing by. number redacted
Footnotes:
1. David Grey has expressed a certain moral discomfort with the use of his song Babylon. However, the significance of his opinion is directly related to his significance as a celebrity.
2. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jun/19/usa.guantanamo
3. http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama
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