Not many people can handle the full on TASTE IN YOUR FACE of Titan Canned. Yes, it may contain enough caffeine to kill a large dog, and it is true only half a can holds enough alcohol to cause kidney failure, however, this is fucking America goddammit. If a person wants their beverage to treat them like a pussy that's a choice the consumer has to make. It's not up to manufacturers to worry who is ingesting what when they can't. After all, there's a label on every 96 oz. can that reads: Don't Drink If You're Weak. Some people have argued this sounds like a dare which is why so many young people (age 16 - 23) tend to die guzzling Titan Canned.
Interesting fact: there are directions on the side of every can advising how to responsibly consume Titan Canned. All one has to do is take the first letter of every word comprising a can's 6th featured slogan: Dominate Outstanding Normless Traits.
For years critics have pointed to the colorful design of Titan Canned suggesting the wild neon camouflage, besides blatantly impractical, is an attempt to lure in children. The manufacturers of Titan Canned scoff at such implications. Why? because one mouthful could conceivably kill a small child, or at least put them in a coma. Maybe fat kids could hold out for a few sips, however, it would only be a matter of time before they too SUCCUMB TO THE AWESOME INSIDE.
See, Titan Canned isn't a part of some company's greedy scheme to produce a whole new generation of rabidly, albeit subtly, addicted consumers. We at General Global Consumption believe corporations have a responsibility to the world, and like the tobacco industry, we believe one of the planet's biggest problems is overpopulation. However, forced sterilization is a grotesque concept so foul we punch ourselves in the face for even mentioning its existence. And asking people to be reproductively responsible is apparently just as foul. People have the right to have as many children as they want, regardless of whether they can support them or if the world can handle the population growth. Just because we inhabit a finite space doesn't mean everyone isn't entitled to take up as much room as they want. So, if you can't count on people to do the right thing, you can count on an exploitation of the surplus population.
As such, after hundreds of case studies, General Global Consumption realized the simplest route to population control is letting people be who they are. Throw in enough alcohol to murder a cat combined with stimulants capable of raising the dead, and it's only a matter of time before a kind of social entropy begins. In other words, give people enough stimulants to make their reactions practically reflexive, whereby they simply act instead of performing even the slightest bit of thought then degrade whatever remaining second guessing they might possess with the alcohol content of an Irish baby's blood, and soon enough people will be making the kinds of decisions that only result in death. (Still too complicated to understanding? Then relax with a Titan Canned because you're probably our target demographic.) That said, there is
always a probability of survival. Sure, this probability was built in for legal reasons, but it's existence means we can sell our product; and what you do with our product is none of our concern, even though we suspect it will in all likelihood kill.
Because in the end, this is all about freedom, and freedom means the ability to choose whatever the fuck you want. Choice: it's what makes America great.
This message brought to you by Titan Canned, the Dinosaur Slayer of beverages, OPEN UP YOUR
SUCK HOLE & SWALLOW!