The Six Greatest Holiday Quotes of My Life... So Far... It'll All Be Over Soon.
1. "Merry Christmas... though you don't really care. You're Jewish, right?"
As far as I know I'm not but whatever. The point is thanks random drunk guy on Giftmas Eve. I came into the bar for a casual drink. However, there's nothing like a glassy eyed drunk glaring at you while he sings, "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!..." to make you understand the holidays are about peace on Earth, and goodwill towards all. Speaking of which.
2. "Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem."
Thanks Linus. Nothing embodies the spirit of Giftmas like making someone who feels bad feel worse.
3. "I would love to fuck her stupid. Yahmean? I'd beat her pussy up all night. Mm-mmm!"
I used to know a young woman whom I regarded as a sister. Though not actually a relative, I felt very close to her family, and they, in a way, adopted me. Over time we drifted apart... because mental health issues are only funny on paper. In any event! I went to a New Year's Eve party with the young lady in question when I heard this rather ribald line from a saucy young fellow wearing pooka shells and looking to get holiday fucked. After which I told him about my relationship to the young lady, and that I could facilitate his getting laid provided he allow me to watch. I said I wouldn't do anything weird, simply sit in a dark corner, smoking, drinking, and appreciating the moment, the aromas. For some reason I never saw him the rest of the evening. Oh well, ever onward!
4. "Maybe this Christmas you'll just shut up and not say anything."
I love my parents.
5. "If Jesus is the shepherd perhaps we should all keep in mind that there comes a time when the shepherd slaughters his sheep for meat; and we are the sheep."
I spent too many years as a Catholic altar server. However, that time wasn't spent all too poorly. On occasion I got to hear sermons featuring lines such as this precious gem. The priest in question has since left the parish, yet, I'll always remember his sense of Jesus being a butcher. He once gave a homily about how Jesus is descended from a line of whores, adulterers, and murderers, but I could only paraphrase that one... although he wasn't entirely off the mark on that. King David was kind of a prick, but I digress.
6. "It's that fucking Mustang."
Far be it from me to not include myself in this spectacle. A few years back I may have gotten quite inebriated at an Xmas Eve get together then stumbled home in what can only be described as a fugue state. On this epic journey across the frozen tundra, I came across a particular car. Recognizing the asshole who t-boned my girlfriend, destroying her car and her nerves, I went into straight MacGyver mode. Immediately I began fashioning a fuse out of my sock. I proceeded to get barefoot in the snow then snap a stick off a nearby tree, and pushed the sock into the gas tank with said stick. Unfortunately, as I tried to light the improvised fuse a car pulled into the driveway behind me and the vehicle I was trying to detonate. I recall staring at the dumbfounded occupants as I slowly grabbed my boots then headed, almost casually, into their backyard to vanish down the alley. Maybe I'll give it another shot this year.