1. Gib Lewis and the Disabled
The name might not be familiar to some. Gib Lewis is a politician from Fort Worth, Texas. He was the first person to ever be elected as Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives five times in a row. Quite a feat for a democrat in state known for its rightward inclination. Old Gib hung up his hate in 1993, deciding that he wouldn't seek reelection... after getting caught taking bribes. But back before his political career came to an end Gib Lewis was somewhat known in Texas for his odd remarks. Such as the time he said, "I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
Now in all fairness that may have been a simple slip up. Happens to a lot of people every day. However, not many of us would have the unmitigated brass balled buffoonery to look at a group of people in wheelchairs then say, "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized."
Gib Lewis did. Of course, how was he supposed to know the group of people he was addressing on Disability Day might not be able to stand?
2. Alan Minter Doesn't Fear Death Apparently.
Mr. Minter was a professional boxer. Before going pro, however, he took the bronze medal at the 1972 Olympics in Munich. He would later go on to become the World Middleweight Champion for a time. His record speaks for itself: 39 wins, 9 losses -- 23 of those wins by knockout.
At one point Alan Minter is quoted as having said, "Sure, there have been injuries and death in boxing -- but none of them serious."
It's tempting to assume he meant none of the injuries have been serious, though one has only to glance at Muhammed Ali to think otherwise. Or perhaps Mr. Minter's brain shouldn't be held up to average standards considering the pummeling it undoubtedly endured over the years. But I take neither stance. I think that in the tradition of all stout hearted macho men Alan Minter thinks anyone who dies is a pussy.
Mandarin is the kind of language most people are made to learn as a punishment. It's a nightmarish slew of homophones that only gets more agonizing in the written form. So in order to simplify things a system known as Pinyin was developed. In Pinyin all words with a similar sound are lumped in a category wherein they're represented by a single character as opposed to traditional Mandarin where every word has its own. More simply put, instead of having a dozen characters that sound similar there is one character for them all.
However, this simplification becomes problematic when trying to translate something. See, the distinction between homophones is largely contextual. Suppose you were to say the desert is blank, and you had two words to choose from: dry or fuck. Most people would choose fuck, giggle, then say dry. The context informs the choice. Unfortunately, computers aren't very good at context. So we have all kinds of delightful mistranslations like these. But I choose GAN4 specifically because it allows wondrous quotes such as:
"Spread to fuck the fruit."
"The shrimp fucks the cabbage."
"Fuck to fry the cow river."
Call me childish if you like. I can't get enough "Fuck the Ginger Water."
4. ...if mankind is still alive...
Some people play the short game. Live for today because that's all that matters. Others think in the long term. Life gets planned for the miles ahead, the years to come. But every so often there are those who think in the galactically distant beyond. Peter Snow is one such individual.
Peter is an anchor for the BBC, who one day reported, "The FA are still optimistic about England's bid to stage the World Cup in twenty thousand and six." I'll admit I didn't entirely catch the fault at first glance. Mr. Snow has just reported that England wants to host the World Cup in 20,006.
Granted, the World Cup will be played that year, but everyone knows the Mars colony is going to get it. What an idiot.
5. Didn't See This Coming.
Keisha, also known as Kei$ha, soon to be known as Who?, was one of the seemingly infinite flash in the pan celebrities who take up space in the cultural zeitgeist; those whose celebrity is meant to remind us that the spirit of the times isn't as great as we think/thought. To her credit, Keisha appeared to be aware of her status, a one hit wonder the public uses to kill time till someone truly talented comes along. Or maybe I'm just getting more forgiving as I get older.
In any event, Ms. Dollar Sign-Ha had this to say: "My favorite keepsake is my placenta. My mom found it in the basement, crushed it up, and made it into a necklace that I wear everyday to improve my psychic ablities."
This quote is fabulous as it raises so many questions. Was Keisha's placenta slithering around the basement of her childhood home, and her mother just happened across it one day then went on the hunt? If Keisha has psychic powers why is she wasting her time on pop music, shouldn't she be out solving crimes? If I steal said necklace will I gain the ability to look like a truck stop hooker?