Well, that's where it gets tricky. Despite the epic variety of products Santa's factory produces, the truth is Santa only seems to deliver certain items. On the one hand it begs the question how good does a person have to be to get a monster truck? On the other, is it possible I've been asking for the wrong things? To explore that latter notion I sat down to pen a short list of what I'd want this year.
1. Mutant powers.
I've always wanted some type of superpower. In fact, I doubt there's a single person on the face of the earth who doesn't. And if you want to start a semantic argument because you'd prefer magic powers instead of super-, pull your head out of your ass. In essence, they are the same goddamn thing -- flying is flying.
However, unlike others I'm willing to compromise. I appreciate this might be a tall order to fill, especially given the relatively short amount of time to fill it. Giftmas is only twelve days away, and rewriting my genetic code might take a tad bit longer than that; and I assume the red clad fatty knows since he has flying reindeer. Nevertheless, as a compromise, how about a contraption that allows me to feel superpowered? Like this amazing gizmo that lets a fellow shoot fire out of his hands, or this other one that gives a person working Wolverine claws. I'm not greedy. Any scenario that has me running through the mall shooting flames is good enough for me.
2. Vampire hunting kit.
In a way this is a twofold request. Assuming there are no such thing as vampires, I want Santa to make vampires real then give me a tricked out kit for killing them. Although, if I'm not just being paranoid, and there already are vampires then it wouldn't hurt to have quality protection. This 19th century traveling vampire killer's kit even purports that one of the materials it contains is magic. Can't go wrong with that.
3. Guns full of knives.
I've always wanted a gun that shoots knives. Don't ask why because I can't explain it. I just want a gun that shoots knives... like a throwing knife gun. That can't be too hard to make. There are people on the internet building stranger contraptions.
Speaking of which...
4. Mech Suit.
Meet KURATAS, a fully function robotic suit of armor. A diesel engine allows this four legged, wheeled behemoth to move. It can be piloted either from inside or via remote using a simple app. Armed with twin Gatling guns, a LOHAS launcher, and a mechanical claw, KURATAS is the ideal stocking stuffer for someone planning world domination.
Before getting to the final item on my list, it's perhaps best to point something out. This list isn't impractical. Every single request links to the others, even the knife-gun. Allow your mind to loosen a bit, and see the tapestry woven:
In a world overrun with vampires one man (who shoots flames out of his hands) is left to battle the rampaging blood guzzling horde (which may have been his fault, but we all make mistakes). Armed only with a 19th century traveling vampire killer's kit and a Japanese war machine, he must murder-stomp his way across a country that no longer gives a shit it's Christmas. Decorating and decapitating his way from one end of the nation to the other, bringing back the good cheer the vampires have stolen -- this Giftmas, deck the halls with blood.
And when that's all done...
5. Personalized Noble Painting.
Nothing says you've accomplished more in life than anyone else quite like a noble portrait. Sure, it may seem egotistical to some, but that's assuming you bought one without first saving the world from murderous undead humanoid leeches. Seems only fitting after saving everyone from the nightmare Santa gave me, vampire apocalypse and such, I should get a portrait of me not unlike Napoleon's, except in my version I'm riding some H.R. Giger monstrosity. Yes, that would do nicely.