Transcript local news. Monday. April 15th, 2052.
Anchors:
Jim Stevens
Annabelle Rodriguez
Sports:
Dave Cobb
Weather:
Stephanie Pyongyang
Producer:
Mary-Todd Bohlinski
{opening credits}
Jim: Hello, and welcome to channel six. I'm Jim Stevens.
Ann: And I'm Annabelle Rodriguez.
Jim: Another beautiful day in Chicago, though highway construction continues to plague drivers; 4 people were shot dead over the weekend; and now sports.
Ann: For that we go over to Dave Cobb. What've you got for us Dave?
Dave: Well, Ann, it's been two decades since the controversial decision to allow performance enhancing drugs in professional sports. As we all know, the decision came about to boost dismal ratings, and low stadium attendance; and although it made games more exciting -- such as the infamous peek-a-boo pass, where a quarterback literally throws the ball through a player -- the use of such enhancements is still cause for concern.
Ann: Any reason in particular?
Dave: Last Saturday's baseball game is a good point. When Marco Morales stepped to the plate his beard infuriated Cubs outfielder Tim Posey to the point he ran infield and beat Morales to death. When asked for comment Posey's lawyer said this:
"My client did nothing wrong. The drugs he takes have, in the eyes of the law, reduced his capacity to act rationally, so he cannot be faulted, or found criminally responsible for any compulsive act of violence."
Posey added, "Yeah," then slapped the nearest female reporter, shattering her jaw with his gargantuan genetically modified hand.
Without Morales knocking out two mile homeruns, Cubs beat the Cardinals 87-62.
Jim: At least that's good news.
Ann: Indeed. There's also this. The economy continues to improve thanks to indentured cloning. Though decried by opponents as a form of slavery, the ability to lease one's clone to corporations for any variety of jobs, from medical research to crash testing, has reduced the cost of goods to record lows. Companies can hire clones for as little as ten cents an hour, passing the savings onto consumers; and the average citizen can lease as many as 50 clones at once, thereby supplementing their income considerably. Thanks to indentured cloning, median household incomes in the U.S. have risen 14%, and show no signs of stopping.
Jim: In other news, a coal mine collapse in West Virginia has killed 1,462 workers. The mine became structurally unsound almost a decade ago, however, company officials felt no need to spend millions on safety upgrades. Fortunately, every worker was an indentured clone. The mine is expected to reopen next Tuesday.
And now we turn to weather with our own Stephanie Pyongyang. How you doin' Stephanie?
Stephanie: I'm good Jim. How's your family?
Jim: Uh, still dead since my wife's murder-suicide... where she killed our children.
Stephanie: Well, our affair inconvenienced me as well.
Jim: You fu...
(Mary-Todd: Cut him off, cut him off, cut him off.)
Stephanie: As you can see, it's all sunshine for the week ahead, an April average of 92 degrees. If you think that's too hot, keep in mind due to global warming parts of Paris burst into flames last night.
Ann: Our hearts go out to those still caught in the fire.
Stephanie: That almost sounded genuine Ann. Of course, we can look forward to a bit of rain by this weekend, but the acid index will be high, so I wouldn't recommend going out in it. Other than that, keep on keeping on Chicago. Eventually, the weather does get better. Jim?
Jim: This just in, seven more people have been shot dead in the last twenty minutes due to a dispute over a parking space. We now go live to today's lottery drawing.
Ann: I've got my ticket.
Jim: Me too.
Dave: Quiet it's starting.
{ lottery drawing. Numbers drawn for April, 8th, 2052: 18-6-35-42-8-1/4}
Dave: Godammit!
Jim: Any luck Ann?
Ann: Only bad.
Jim: There's always next time, and remember, if there's no winner tonight the pot will increase to 162 billion dollars.
Ann: Seems like it's been adding up for a while.
Jim: Well, no one's won in 7 years, not since the addition of fractions.
Ann: But I keep on hoping, keep buying tickets.
Jim: Don't we all?
Jim & Ann: Ha, ha, ha.
(Mary-Todd: Absolutely, it's not like the probability has been artificially inflated to make it so they never have to pay a winner. People pay the lottery to lose.)
Ann: That's going to do it for today. I'm Annabella Rodriguez.
Jim: I'm Jim Stevens.
Ann: And thanks for watching Channel 6.
{roll closing credits.}
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