Honesty Is Not Contagious
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Recognition

4/25/2013

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My granddad used to say stuff like, "It's the most amazing thing since sliced bread," without ever knowing Otto Rohwedder invented sliced bread in 1927.  I've been thinking about that lately since I seem destined to similar obscurity.

I've never been on the cover of any magazine, and though my invention has been all over the news, even the reporters talk more about what it does than who I am. Granted, I didn't invent the thing for any notoriety.  In fact, I'm rather shy.  Crowds make me exceedingly uncomfortable.  In a room with too many people my hands tend to shake, a cold sweat breaks out all over, and I get the feeling I'm choking.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have hordes of people swarm me on the street, getting crushed by fans of my creation.  So, in a way, it's a good thing the machine is more important than the man.  Still, it would be nice to have some recognition.  
  
I guess what I'm saying is I go back and forth.  Most of the time I don't mind being virtually unknown.  I go to the store, and no one bothers me.  I'm that guy people avoid because he looks too skinny to be healthy, and my nervousness makes others nervous, so they keep their distance.  Yet, there are times I want someone to point me out and say, "That's him.  He's the reason you can walk again."  But then I worry I'll have to talk to that person. I've never really been what's called charming.  There's also the fact I didn't invent the Wire to fix nerves.  It just seems like it would be awkward talking to someone who's thanking you for something you never intended to do.  Not that I'm sorry for the discovery.  Like penicillin great things can come from accidents.  However, it feels wrong to take praise for a mistake.
 
My friends like to point out there couldn't've been a discovery, no matter how accidental, if I hadn't invent the Wire in the first place.  I suppose that's why I get conflicted.  I see too many facets of the issue.  I see myself as benefiting from chance at the same time I created the circumstances for chance to be beneficial; and depending on how I'm feeling is which way my perspective inclines.  When I get lonely I want people to celebrate me for what I've done. When I'm feeling fine I'd rather be left alone.  Meanwhile, the only important thing is that the Wire exists.  
  
Five years ago I started a project for Cathertech, a technological pioneer.  The CEO, Catherine Dunlap, wanted advances in common products which she saw as underdeveloped.  She sought new forms of wires, batteries, transmitters, all manner of everyday products which could in any way be improved.  My work in the battery division, helping to develop 3-D electrodes which made a microbattery possible, shrinking the battery size by ten times without any reduction in power, got me transferred.  In my new department I headed research into a variety of metamaterials.  We seemed to be making little progress.  Most of what we initially discovered showed little commercial value, however, those finds led us in new directions.  Every step counts.  One day a lab assistant fell.  He crashed into an ongoing experiment.  Several of the experimental wires pierced his arm, and the electricity flowing through them caused his hand to spasm.  We shutdown the flow of electricity, got him medical attention, and the incident got a few of us thinking.  It took about two years, but eventually, we figured out how to hook up to nerve endings.  Thus, the Wire was born.  
  
Paralysis is going the way of the dodo, an irritation instead of a permanent condition. The news is already reporting radical advances in cybernetic technology, all solely possible because of the Wire. In five years people will be able to have smartphones installed in their forearms.  After that, who knows what limits exist?  The technology could go as far as people are willing let it.  Like I overheard the other day, "The Wire is the greatest thing since sliced bread."  It's going to change everything.  Hell, in a way it already has.  But will anybody remember me?
 
... if I'm thinking about such things that can only mean I'm feeling depressed.  On a good day I know what's really important. The cure is more significant than who discovered it.
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Quantity May Vary

4/19/2013

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It all started when I killed my wife, Angie.  Old story. I came home early and caught her with our neighbor Steve.  The details don't really matter.  I hit him with a chair, the chair broke, and I used a stray leg to crush their skulls. It's all in the forms I had to fill out. This glassy eyed sergeant led me through them, nearly two hours of paperwork.  After another hour waiting for approval I finally got to go back and stop myself.  I get it.  They need to make sure I'm really going back to stop me, not run past to kill her all over again.  Some guys do.  Truth be told, I might have been tempted if I didn't feel bad about what I did.  Long start short, the cops strapped me into some chrono-tech and flash!  I'm watching myself pull into the driveway... 
 
My buddy Mitch has done this sort of thing about four or five times.  Mostly he's undoing drunk driving accidents.  Technically, that means he's killed about seven people, three of them little kids.  But they're all alive now, so no one really cares.  I try not to since those kids are, as far as anyone wants to think, alive.  
 
Mitch is one of my oldest friends.  We grew up in the 70s --2070s -- which is right around when chrono-tech started going mainstream.  So we know what it's like to be stuck with what you've done.  That's probably why I never got into it originally.  Plus, my Pops raised me not to regret my decisions.  He worked as a longshoreman, well, the new kind of longshoremen, unloading helium-3 tankers from the Moon and other ore deliveries.  Some folks nowadays want to call them stratoshoremen.  Never mind the fact that's the dumbest goddamn name I've ever heard, stevedores like having a solid connection to their history.  I guess it makes them feel a part of something grand, bigger than themselves.  I don't know. Whenever my Pops made me work the halo it just always seemed like back breaking work to me.  Some things still have to be done by hand; and lower gravity doesn't make the kind of difference you want when you're moving a few tons, believe me.  But the thing is that kind of work means you have to be decisive.  There's no dancing around in the upper atmosphere.  Pops used to say, "Every footstep has to be the one you intend."  Looking back I sometimes wonder if he was really just trying to keep me from ending up on the halo, which I did anyway.  No regrets there.
 
So I grew up not sweating my choices.  Sometimes things go wrong.  Mitch, on the other hand, he loves erasers.  That seems the kindest way of saying Mitch tends to screw up a lot.
 
I seriously don't know how he does it.  Mitch is almost proof the universe can be against a person.  Or at the least, bad luck can be a talent.  So when chrono-tech came along, I knew it was only a matter of time before Mitch used it.  And I mean no offense.  Mitch is the kind of guy who is no use in a fight -- sometimes he actually makes things worse -- but will always jump right into the middle of a brawl to help a buddy.  Like once, Gordon Fowler is punching me in the face -- this is back in high school.  I don't even remember why, although Gordon wasn't the kind of guy who needed a good reason.  Being 6'4" and 280 pounds of muscle was reason enough.  Mitch, he jumps right onto Gordon's back.  Knowing he's got no chance against this beast, Mitch decides the safe play is to stab Gordon in the ear with a pencil.  Naturally, Gordon tossed him off real easy.  Only now he's got this pencil in his ear like some punk earring.  So he goes after Mitch.  However, this gave me a chance to get up, grab my bag that’s full of books, and swing it like a wrecking ball, smashing it into Gordon's head.  I managed to knock him out after the third swing.  Yet somehow Mitch is the only one of us who got suspended.  Gordon getting off makes sense.  He's on the football team and probably the only reason we made it to state that year. Principal just assumed Mitch started the whole thing, and I got caught in the middle.  Mitch spent the next few weeks going on about how he'd've handled things differently given the chance.  He was always going on about how he'd do things differently.   Then along comes chrono-tech…  
  
Even though I never really had a use for it, I have to admit having it around is nice. Like this one time I got into a car accident.  Little punk in a Mustang comes screaming through a red light and T-bones my car. We're standing in the intersection, and this kid says to me, "Look man, I got no insurance.  Can we just like let this slide for now?  I promise you, I promise you I'll send the money past just as soon I've got it.  I always keep my promises."  Right at the moment I'm thinking (and my face is showing), 'Who you think ya conning?' there's a snap crackle up the road.  A rip flashes into view and out steps an older version of this kid.
 
He runs over and hands me a stack of bills.  Grinning, he says, "Hey, how you and me doing?  Look, it took years for me to get this together.  You've been pissed at me a long time, but this should cover everything."  I count out the stack to almost five grand.  
 
So I say, "Thanks," though I don't really know which version of the kid to thank directly.
 
Both nod, saying at the same time, "You're welcome."
 
The older version laughs, "Jinx!  I owe me a coke."
   
#
 
Funny thing is that story is also what makes me uncomfortable about all this.
 
Afterwards, we wait for the realignment, but it never comes.  The older version of the kid shakes his head.  He knows what's next.  When his wrist monitor starts flashing red, he swears then just sits on the curb to wait.  In about ten minutes a van with the BTA (Bureau of Temporal Affairs) seal shows up to collect him.  There's something about that thing, an eagle carrying a scythe and an hourglass, creeps me out.  Anyway, the older version goes quietly.  I got to give him that.  Everyone knows the time doubles that don't fade out get liquidated.  
  
I used to know a guy who could explain all this.  Since time isn't a straight line someone from the future can affect the past like typical cause and effect -- A causes B leading to C.  I'm half quoting him best I can.  Here's the kicker:  the person from the future cancels themselves out because why they went back no longer exists, but the change they made remains.  It's called quantum realignment.  I think.  Anyway, every so often a double doesn't fade out.  Most people like the older version of the kid just wait for someone from Temporal Affairs to grab them and bang, end of double.  I guess it doesn't seem like dying when you know you're still alive. Or at least, a version of you. The point is it supposedly has to happen.  This guy (Teddy!  His name was Teddy Wallowitz.  He owned four weed whackers for some reason.  It was weird because they all worked.), Teddy said double isn't the right word because they aren't exactly alike.  At some beyond microscopic level future and past aren't the same, and there's like a ripple effect or influence or whatever.  There's a certain point where physics lessons in a bar just go in and out of a person's brain.  
 
So, yeah, long way to go, but that's maybe another reason I never really got into chrono-tech; It feels like killing myself.  The version of me that runs past won't exist anymore.  Like this kid, he erased himself, a version that, judging by the salt and pepper in his hair, had lived for years; and when it came time to go, not even fade out naturally but get taken in a van to some crematorium outside Baltimore, he was just like whatever.  Didn't even phase him.   Maybe it's just me.
 
I mean, I'm standing there watching myself pull into the driveway.  I know what that Me doesn't.  That I should have gotten a divorce two years ago instead of sticking in like an idiot to prove a point to my old man.  He said not to marry Angie on account she had, quote, too much Irish fire.  Twenty-two year old boys don't like being told what's best for them.  I wonder if the cops should've sent me back to then so I could side with my Pops against myself.  He'd probably just get pissed I was changing my mistakes instead of learning from them. The old man loved to preach, especially when he felt he was in the right.  I suppose most folks do.  Anyway, I stop Me from going inside.  I explain everything.  We both know our temper, so I take my past-self to Old Crow's Tavern.  
  
Over a couple of beers I calm down the past-me.  We keep getting looks from the regulars who immediately start up the rumor mill.  But I and I ignore the lot.  Eventually our conversation turns from cooling his temper to accepting the fact I'm about to fade out of existence.  Although, hell, why everyone calls it fading out is beyond me.  I've seen it happen with Mitch a few times. The double just pops in a burst of crackling static.  Mitch always tries to crack a joke before it happens.  Like one time after making himself take a cab home, he announces to the bar, "Hey everybody!  Check out what happens when you sneeze and fart at the same time."  That version of him winked at me before disappearing in a shower of blue sparks.  Everyone laughed except me.  I felt too creeped out.  I kept thinking about all the ways he was that Mitch would never be.  
  
In Old Crow's I ask me, "Are you scared?" 
  
I shrug, "Don't really have a choice."  
  
"But you know what I mean."
 
"Of course I do."
 
"Maybe if I just keep planning to kill Angie you won't fade out."
 
I shake my head, "Even if that were the case, the BTA'd come along eventually."
 
"This is true."  
  
We nod in agreement.  
  
Then my Past asks, "So why are you still here?"

It suddenly dawns on us both we've been chatting for hours.  I've probably lasted this long because, knowing myself, up until now I might have still killed my wife.  But it’s getting to the point if I'm still here I must be one of those that doesn't realign naturally.  The how and why doesn't matter because I'm not going to pop.  Literally pop.  In my mind a hope starts to form.  Besides not bursting out of existence, I can see the wrist monitor malfunctioning. It's a one in a million error, but it could happen.  Machines break.  No notification goes out.  The BTA has no idea the proper realignment hasn't taken place.  That means no one is coming to get me.  I'm going to be okay.  I'm not going to be erased.  I am -- the wrist monitor starts blinking red, and I learn how a window feels when a brick comes crashing through it.
 
"I guess that's it," I say.  No sense in making a scene.  The wrist monitor has GPS, and unless I hack off my hand there's no way to get it off. We say goodbye to each other.  Any minute some nice gentlemen in dark suits will come into the bar.  The Bureau's men won't even let me pause for one last shot.  I'll be hustled off to the van then outside the city.  I don't know what happens there, other than the bodies get burned.  I hope it's like going to sleep.  And I deserve this.  I know.  I killed my wife after all.  Yet, I'm not really going anywhere.  Sitting on the opposite side of the booth is me. Even after I'm gone, I'll still be here. I just wish I could tell myself that.
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ACTING! -- "All Dreams are foolish." -- Mr. Peters vs. reality

4/13/2013

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Mr. Peters taught drama at my high school.  Students often asked him for advice just to hear him rant.  Every nugget of wisdom he bestowed revolved around a central concept which he succinctly put as, "All dreams are foolish."  He didn't mean having dreams is foolish, simply that most aspirations don't start in reality.  Dreams die easily, typically on the vine, and one needs to resist any logical assessment to keep them alive-- defy the odds, as it were.

My friends and I used to wonder what made Mr. Peters, well, Mr. Peters.  His blunt cynicism fascinated us.  Unlike the other teachers we regarded him as an actual human being. The other teachers seemed more like archetypes than personalities; rather than being something they merely represented it.  After all, to a teenager adults aren't really people.  Aware only of their own personalities, teens think of adults as people who've lost their humanity.  It's what makes growing older so frightening at that age:  growing up seems like being hollowed out, degeneration into a symbol void of character.  That said we didn't know what the fuck to think of Mr. Peters.  
 
Case in point:  my junior year Pat Wryer got the lead in the school production of The Boys from Syracuse.  Giggling with his theatre buddies in the cafeteria, Pat is making these grand sweeping, forehead almost to the floor bows when along comes Tom Strondon.  Tom sees Pat celebrating success and reacts according to his instincts.  Tom kicks Pat in the balls as if he's trying to boot the guy for a field goal.  In fact, Phil Sudeski insists to this day Pat actually popped about an inch off his feet. Tom then explains the savage kick to all present by saying, "What a fucking faggot."  Mr. Peters, meanwhile, has witnessed the entire series of events and sprints over.  Tom is opening his mouth, presumably to attempt to weasel out of things, but before he can say anything Mr. Peters running punches him straight in the face.  Broke the kid's nose.  Mr. Peters points at Pat and says, "He started it.  You finished it.  And that's all anybody saw."  He then vanished out the other side of the cafeteria, eyes bugging out like a paranoid homeless man jacked up on meth.  So, yeah, he struck us as different from the other teachers.
 
One time my buddy Alan and I are getting out of detention, and there is Mr. Peters getting into his car.  Knowing not to suggest fuck off to the hand of Fate, we followed him.  He went straight to Marcy's Diner over on Main. After he left we asked a waitress about him.  She said he came in just about every night.  So we started making passes on the place.  It got to be part of our routine.  Me and the other guys would be on the way to a movie, only we'd take a roundabout route just to pass Marcy's to see if Mr. Peters was in.  Sure enough, almost every pass we saw him, always drinking a chocolate milkshake with a side of fries.  And every night he sat eating alone.  Halfway through the shake he'd pull out this battered notebook and start writing in it.  We always used to speculate what might be in there.  Alan usually got the ball rolling in that department.
 
He might start, "He's on his like thousandth play.  Problem is he never gets past the opening dialogue.  It's good stuff though.  The kind that makes you want to keep trying because it keeps making you think, 'I can do this.'  But he's a fucking teacher for a reason.  He can't. It's part of what's driven him insane."
 
Then Gary throws in, "The other thing that's getting him crazed is that he's got buddies in New York and L.A., guys who've kinda made it but aren't famous, and they all have stories about what happens to young actors, and it makes Peters all worried about like what if he's inspired kids to go after their dreams, but they all ended up clichés sucking dick in alleys for dimes."

Then I'd add onto that, "And what makes that all so bad is he sees more starry eyes than talent, but he lets them go on believing they can be grand because there are always bills to pay.  So he feels like a kind of human trafficking guidance counselor, setting kids up to turn into low rung pornstars and back alley cum buckets."
 
Alan would rejoin, "Yeah, yeah!  That's why he snaps on people when they ask for advice.  He knows they're sideways asking if he thinks they've got what it takes to be... whatever, and he's so sick of sending kids off to fail he can't help screaming at them."
 
"Like with Richard Washington," Gary says to stir the pot.

Alan nodding, "Richard Fucking Washington.  You were there, right?"
 
And I reply, "It happened in my history class.  Fucking Peters comes bursting in --I swear I think he kicked the door open. Mrs. Kline says something like, 'Can I help you Mr. Peters?'  And he goes, 'Not now you old bitch.'  He points at Richard and says, 'Regarding what you asked me earlier.  No.  You've got talent, but I don't think you know what to do with it.  So find a teacher who isn't legally obligated to candy coat things, who can say to your face, "Richard, you fucked up.  What you just did may have given me cancer.  Stop doing that."  I can't say things like that to you because you might sue the school over emotional distress or some such bullshit.  You have potential, don't get me wrong, but being good doesn't entitle you to success.'  
  
"Then he just left.  Gave Mrs. Kline the finger on his way out."
 
Gary shakes his head, "I can't believe you remember all that."
 
I say, "It was memorable.  It almost felt like he was talking to the whole class in a way.  Richard set him off, but Peters was trying to save us all."

This gives Gary a brainwave, "That's what all the plays are about.  He's trying to craft something that will save the student stars he sent off to be everything except actors.  Penance for the sin of being their inspiration to seek success in the theater."
 
"Gentlemen, I think we've nailed," I say, and we'd leave things at that till the next round of hypothesizing.  Every week we came up with something new, or rather, something we thought was new.  As I got older I realized we were just rediscovering long standing clichés about lost love, broken dreams, and the burdens of reality.  That said, we made an outright effort not to find out what, if anything, we said might be true.  It's tempting to say our suppositions felt more real, but honestly, we worried the truth could be disappointing.  It would suck to find out Mr. Peters was simply a bipolar drama geek instead of a tortured genius, whose mind was too cracked from a failed romance with a rising star, whom he lost when fame malformed his lover beyond recognition, tragically leaving him in the bitter clutches of the old adage those who cannot do teach.  We liked him the way we thought of him.  
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5 Are-You-Fucking-Serious Facts About Famous People

4/1/2013

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Normally, writing about celebrities is a complete waste of time.  They get enough attention as it is.  Too much for too little to be perfectly honest.  The other side of the coin is that certain facts about them rarely elicit more than a bemused
nodding of the head followed by a statement like, "I am not surprised by that."  For instance, most people just bob their head smiling when told Bill Murray got arrested in 1970 for trying to smuggle ten pounds of marijuana through O'Hare airport.  However, there are occasionally others which catch people off guard.  Like the fact Hitler's two favorite actresses were Shirley Temple and Greta Garbo.  (To her credit Greta Garbo once said, "Mr. Hitler was big on me.  He kept writing and inviting me to come to Germany, and if the war hadn't started when it did, I would have gone and I would have taken a gun out of my purse and shot him, because I am the only person who would not have been searched."  Being a little bitch, Shirley Temple never admitted plotting to kill Hitler.)  Let's try landing the coin on the more bizarre side, but we'll start light.
 
1.  Dr. Ruth is a trained sniper.
 
Yes, that sweet old lady, who knows more about sex than a porn star, is capable of putting a bullet right between your eyes.  Orphaned by the Holocaust, a young Dr. Ruth (who at the time would have just been Ruth) moved to Israel where she joined Haganah, an underground military organization.  In her own words, "When I was in my routine training... they discovered completely by chance that I was a lethal sniper.  I could hit the target smack in the center further away than anyone could believe... even today I can load a Sten automatic rifle in a single minute, blindfolded."  In addition she could pitch a meanly accurate grenade.  
 
However, unfortunately, Ruth never got the chance to kill anyone.  Her military career ended abruptly on her 20th birthday after a cannonball from Jordan smashed through the window of her residence.  The cannonball almost ripped off her legs.  Three others died, but Ruth didn't get any blood on her new shoes.  And I'm not saying that, she is, "All I could think about was whether there might be some blood on the brand-new shoes I had just gotten for my birthday, and amazingly there wasn't even a drop on them."  Silver lining!
 
2.  Alexander Graham Bell:  Asshole.
 
Most people don't know that Graham Bell stole the patent for the telephone.  Two men beat him to the invention of the talking telegraph, Elisha Gray and Antonio Meucci.  Bell straight up dry fucked Meucci in the ass, and continuing the metaphor, whipped the shit off his dick on the Italian's beard.  
  
In 1860 Meucci rigged up a means so that his paralyzed wife could call for him while he was away in his workshop.  This led to him designing what he called the teletrofono.  Basically, it's a telephone.  However, Meucci couldn't afford a long term patent and had to set a renewable patent that expired each year.  After three years he couldn't afford the $10 to renew.  He sent a model and technical details of the teletrofono to Western Union Telegraph.  However, executives refused to meet with him.  When Meucci asked for his materials back he was informed they had been lost.  Shortly thereafter Bell claimed to have invented the telephone while at the same securing a lucrative deal with Western Union.  Meucci sued.  He might have won if his death hadn't prompted a judge to dismiss the case.  
  
Gray went down even harder.  His course is roughly the same as Meucci.  The crucial difference is that when he sued he had the foresight not to die of old age.  During the trial Gray's attorney focused on testimony from a patent clerk named Zenas Fisk Wilber.  Besides having the best name ever, Wilber confessed that Bell bribed him with $100 to delay any patents regarding a telephone like device as well as provide him with any information regarding said devices.  Following this damning testimony along with other evidence, a judge ruled in favor of Bell.  I'll repeat that.  It was proven Alexander Graham Bell committed fraud to get his patent in first, but none of that apparently matters in a court of law.  One can only imagine how epically Gray's head must have exploded.  
  
In addition, Graham Bell was a vocal advocate for eugenics.  He feared the contamination of the human race by genetically inferior people, mostly immigrants and the deaf.  He actively dissuaded deaf people from marrying other deaf people because they might have deaf children, who would then have deaf children themselves, and before long the nation would be drowning in deaf people.  Graham Bell publicly declared his fear of a deaf multitude in 1884 by publishing a paper he wrote entitled "Upon the Formation of a Deaf Variety of the Human Race".  His solution to this impending "great calamity" involved identifying what led deaf people to intermarry with one another then removing those factors from society.  Many of these sinister contributing elements turned out to be terrifying things like sign language and deaf teachers.  
 
It would be interesting to find out what Bell's deaf wife thought of all this.
 
3.  Sammy Davis Jr. and Satanism.
 
In 1974 Sammy Davis Jr. released an album entitled Satan Swings Baby!  It featured songs such as "Witchcraft" and "Sympathy for the Devil".   Granted, that doesn't prove a goddamn thing.  Only a complete religious fanatic would think singing about the devil implies any kind of satanic connection.  Anyone making such an insinuation should have their genitals mutilated with stone knives. That said, there is the fact Sammy Davis Jr. joined the Church of Satan in 1973.  He mentions as much in his memoirWhy Me?.  The Candy man  refers to being a swinging member of the church for a few years before a break occurred which he never really explains.  At least he stayed in long enough to give the world the pilot for Poor Devil.  
4.  Gandhi's Nonviolent Holocaust.

Gandhi once said, "I do not consider Hitler to be as bad as he is depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing and seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed."  Now, in all fairness Gandhi said this in May 1940.  By then all Hitler had done was invade Poland, Denmark, Norway, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, and Luxembourg.  
 
I'll let it slide, blame it on his starvation diet.  But on a subsequent occasion Gandhi said this:
 
"Suffering voluntarily undergone will bring {Jews} an inner strength and joy... the calculated violence of Hitler may even result in a general massacre of the Jews... but if the Jewish mind could be prepared for voluntary suffering, even the massacre I have imagined could be turned into a day of thanksgiving and joy that Jehovah had wrought deliverance of the race even at the hands of the tyrant. For to the God-fearing, death has no terror."
 
It's possible the magnitude of the Holocaust went beyond Gandhi's imagination.  However, advising a people as a whole to quietly accept death instead of shooting a Nazi in the face to escape certain murder seems kind of -- and I'm putting this mildly out of respect -- fucking stupid.  Essentially, this implies that shooting the guards to escape Auschwitz is the wrong thing to do because there's never a good time for violence.  
 
5.  Mark Wahlberg will blind you... for being Asian
 
Before starting Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, Mr. Wahlberg was on a very different career path.  At the age of fourteen he dropped out of school to join a gang.  This wasn't any Westside Story dancing rumble gang either.  Over the next several years Wahlberg found himself in trouble with the law 20-25 times, mostly for dealing drugs. That said, winners don't wait for opportunities, they go looking for them.
 
On April 8, 1988 Thahn Lam arrived at home.  He got out of his car carrying two cases of beer.  Wahlberg ran up on Thahn calling him a "fucking Vietnamese shit" then broke a two to three inch thick stick over Thahn's head.  Lam was knocked unconscious and spent the night in the hospital.  When the police arrived Wahlberg ran down the street.  Apparently, he just hung out in the same general area while Thahn lay unconscious on the sidewalk.  Fleeing the police, Wahlberg grabbed hold of another man named Hoa Trinh, who had no idea what was going on.  Mark asked Hoa to hide him from the cops.  Hoa did.  Then, once the cops were gone, Wahlberg punched Hoa in the eye, a blow that would leave him blind for the rest of his life.  The police eventually arrested Wahlberg who confessed to assaulting both men.  Regarding Thahn Lam, he said, "You don't have to let him identify me, I'll tell you now that's the motherfucker whose head I split open."  Afterwards, although no asked him to, he continued to make statements about "gooks" and "slant-eyed gooks."  
 
Authorities initially charged Wahlberg with attempted murder, but the charges were reduced to criminal contempt.  This alone carried a maximum sentence of ten years.  Mark pled guilty and received two years in Boston's Deer Island House of Correction.  He served 45 days before being released.  
 
Why?  Because the justice system probably realized this boy was destined to do great things.
 
Source Material
 
Ruth:
http://www.snopes.com/medical/doctor/drruth.asp
 
Greta Garbo:
http://www.iwise.com/0epeG
 
Bill Murary:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/celebrity/one-more-reason-love-bill-murray
 
Hitler:
http://thehistorysquirrel.wordpress.com/2013/03/01/things-you-might-not-know-about-hitler/
 
Alexander graham Bell:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c8/Zenas-fisk-wilber-affidavit.png
http://www.pbs.org/weta/throughdeafeyes/deaflife/bell_nad.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2002/jun/17/humanities.internationaleducationnews
http://inventors.about.com/od/gstartinventors/a/Elisha_Gray.htm
 
Sammy Davis:
http://www.allaboutjazz.com/php/article.php?id=21092
http://books.google.com/books?id=mQrbsOWaOyUC&pg=PA58&dq=modern+satanism+sammy+davis+jr&hl=en&sa=X&ei=gkVBUYuJB8ffqAG29IDQAQ&ved=0CDAQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=modern%20satanism%20sammy%20davis%20jr&f=false
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5vRbVGHyzE
 
Mark Wahlberg:
http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2012/01/mark-wahlberg-was-a-drug-dealer-and-was-charged-with-attempted-murder-before-forming-marky-mark-and-the-funky-bunch/
 
Gandhi:
http://claremont.org/publications/precepts/id.98/precept_detail.asp
h
ttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satyagraha
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    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

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