Not too long ago I stumbled across an article entitled How to Go to Bed after Watching a Horror Movie. I glanced over the article, and will admit it provided a chuckle. For instance, the article suggested one listen to music afterward, and all I could think was, “Oh yeah, and provide cover hiding the footsteps of the approaching psychopath. I think not dear article.”
Okay, so I take horror a bit too seriously sometimes. I take most films too seriously. See, I have a profoundly well developed suspension of disbelief. Whenever I watch a good film – solid story, acting, effects – I can lose myself in the premise no matter how outlandish. But even as I got more adept at separating fantasy from reality – that odd rumble in the stomach is not an Alien about to burst out – that’s not what makes horror terrifying.
Good horror movies connect to psychological notions, often engaging very primal feelings. Consequently, watching a funny movie after an unsettling film isn’t going to stop you from being scared. The second distractions stop, your head hits the pillow, and the only thing in the world are your thoughts, I guarantee without any prompting an unbidden idea will bring back all the fear lurking in your brain. It’s just waiting for a chance to strike.
So, having contended with these feelings for several years, here is a more realistic means of Preparing for the Hours of Terror following a Nerve Burning Scary Movie.
1. Be glad.
You have just been alerted to the reality that there are terrifying things in the world which have every intention of killing you soon. Not all of them can be stopped with bullets, but shooting Jason Voorhees with a shotgun is never an outright bad idea. Being aware of the problem is the first step towards solving it.
2. Arm yourself.
Sure, you might not have access to the mystical implements necessary to defeat cosmic evil, but even the most pacifistic person has a kitchen knife. The sense of security it provides can keep one’s mind from getting bogged down by terror. Clutch the blade like it's a deadly teddy bear. Still, be sure to keep in mind the threat you’re facing. Guns often offer solid defense, but they don’t do very well against killer insect swarms, a .357 Magnum isn’t stopping a thousand quarter sized venomous spiders from devouring your eyes.
3. Pick a safe room.
Ideally whatever room you choose should have multiple exits which are easy to access. I recommend at least two, and if possible always pick a room closest to the ground. This will turn any windows into a point of egress. Basements are never a good idea mainly because there is already something lurking in your basement. Right now there is something in your basement waiting to kill you.
NOTA BENE: If ghosts are the terror in question then there are no safe rooms in the house. Set fire to the building and run.
4. Stay alert.
Begin the copious consumption of coffee, cocaine, meth, whatever stimulants you have ready access to; it’s time for bulk ingestion. This will keep you sharp, and ready to pounce on any noise. Every sound in the house should be regarded as the footsteps of a demented killer. Attend to it as such. Blindly firing at shadows only seems foolish until the body of a mutated rat man falls out of the darkness tallying a point for paranoia.
5. Settle in for the long haul.
It’s going to be hours before you can be certain those noises downstairs are just the cat. You do have a cat, right? Maintain constant vigilance. Watch the walls to be sure they aren’t beginning to warp into some portal allowing Pinhead in. Keeping as many lights on as possible will assist with this vigil.
6. Go the fuck to sleep.
Eventually it should occur to you that you are well armed, in a fortified position, and fearful of a fictional event. Don’t be ashamed of being afraid. Sane people don’t expect masturbation material while watching horror films. Side note: if you masturbate to the gruesome parts of horror movies please do the world a favor and kill yourself.
Enjoy a good chuckle, and go to bed
7. Ya dead.
You went to sleep you freakin' idiot. All wrapped up in your special clothes for your short term coma, you were torn to pieces by a living nightmare. Good job stupid.
7a. Bait
You are not the average victim. Instead of going to sleep, you used yourself as bait to lure the killer out of the walls, and when that demented stabbing-king lifted the shard of haunted mirror you struck first. Good job. You've now killed someone, and will have to explain why to the police. Have fun with that.
#
Without a rekindling stimulus fear eventually subsides. However, don’t lose the opportunity at hand. Fear is an emotion people avoid. As such, they don’t ponder the implications it offers. See, good horror films are often metaphorical. The nightmares on screen are meant to deal with some concept typically unspoken. The recent gem It Follows is about myriad things, but one facet is sexual assault and the ways that changes a person’s view of the world. That’s something not often discussed openly.
The sleepless night can lead to some interesting insights for the willing. Ask yourself why you’re afraid, and you might start seeing the world in a different light.
Okay, so I take horror a bit too seriously sometimes. I take most films too seriously. See, I have a profoundly well developed suspension of disbelief. Whenever I watch a good film – solid story, acting, effects – I can lose myself in the premise no matter how outlandish. But even as I got more adept at separating fantasy from reality – that odd rumble in the stomach is not an Alien about to burst out – that’s not what makes horror terrifying.
Good horror movies connect to psychological notions, often engaging very primal feelings. Consequently, watching a funny movie after an unsettling film isn’t going to stop you from being scared. The second distractions stop, your head hits the pillow, and the only thing in the world are your thoughts, I guarantee without any prompting an unbidden idea will bring back all the fear lurking in your brain. It’s just waiting for a chance to strike.
So, having contended with these feelings for several years, here is a more realistic means of Preparing for the Hours of Terror following a Nerve Burning Scary Movie.
1. Be glad.
You have just been alerted to the reality that there are terrifying things in the world which have every intention of killing you soon. Not all of them can be stopped with bullets, but shooting Jason Voorhees with a shotgun is never an outright bad idea. Being aware of the problem is the first step towards solving it.
2. Arm yourself.
Sure, you might not have access to the mystical implements necessary to defeat cosmic evil, but even the most pacifistic person has a kitchen knife. The sense of security it provides can keep one’s mind from getting bogged down by terror. Clutch the blade like it's a deadly teddy bear. Still, be sure to keep in mind the threat you’re facing. Guns often offer solid defense, but they don’t do very well against killer insect swarms, a .357 Magnum isn’t stopping a thousand quarter sized venomous spiders from devouring your eyes.
3. Pick a safe room.
Ideally whatever room you choose should have multiple exits which are easy to access. I recommend at least two, and if possible always pick a room closest to the ground. This will turn any windows into a point of egress. Basements are never a good idea mainly because there is already something lurking in your basement. Right now there is something in your basement waiting to kill you.
NOTA BENE: If ghosts are the terror in question then there are no safe rooms in the house. Set fire to the building and run.
4. Stay alert.
Begin the copious consumption of coffee, cocaine, meth, whatever stimulants you have ready access to; it’s time for bulk ingestion. This will keep you sharp, and ready to pounce on any noise. Every sound in the house should be regarded as the footsteps of a demented killer. Attend to it as such. Blindly firing at shadows only seems foolish until the body of a mutated rat man falls out of the darkness tallying a point for paranoia.
5. Settle in for the long haul.
It’s going to be hours before you can be certain those noises downstairs are just the cat. You do have a cat, right? Maintain constant vigilance. Watch the walls to be sure they aren’t beginning to warp into some portal allowing Pinhead in. Keeping as many lights on as possible will assist with this vigil.
6. Go the fuck to sleep.
Eventually it should occur to you that you are well armed, in a fortified position, and fearful of a fictional event. Don’t be ashamed of being afraid. Sane people don’t expect masturbation material while watching horror films. Side note: if you masturbate to the gruesome parts of horror movies please do the world a favor and kill yourself.
Enjoy a good chuckle, and go to bed
7. Ya dead.
You went to sleep you freakin' idiot. All wrapped up in your special clothes for your short term coma, you were torn to pieces by a living nightmare. Good job stupid.
7a. Bait
You are not the average victim. Instead of going to sleep, you used yourself as bait to lure the killer out of the walls, and when that demented stabbing-king lifted the shard of haunted mirror you struck first. Good job. You've now killed someone, and will have to explain why to the police. Have fun with that.
#
Without a rekindling stimulus fear eventually subsides. However, don’t lose the opportunity at hand. Fear is an emotion people avoid. As such, they don’t ponder the implications it offers. See, good horror films are often metaphorical. The nightmares on screen are meant to deal with some concept typically unspoken. The recent gem It Follows is about myriad things, but one facet is sexual assault and the ways that changes a person’s view of the world. That’s something not often discussed openly.
The sleepless night can lead to some interesting insights for the willing. Ask yourself why you’re afraid, and you might start seeing the world in a different light.
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