Giving advice is a tricky thing. Does one base recommendations on personal experience, or empirical research? Perhaps a careful amalgamation of the two, but even that balanced approach leaves open the worry of how to tell if advice is actually any good. Though the most important question is why am I giving advice?
Ever since high school people have come to me for advice. Why? I have no idea. The best guess I can manage is that many people vent their problems in the form of a question. They aren't actually seeking advice, just asking for it in order to indirectly bring up a particular issue. The main reason I say that is because most people don't need advice, they need someone to support the idea they already have in mind.
See, if you end up in a situation because of the choices you've made it's hard to listen to yourself since whatever dilemma you're facing feels like your fault. In a bad relationship? You got yourself in it, so can you really trust your idea how to get out of it? Of course you can, but it doesn't hurt to have a voice outside your head saying, "Do what you think is right."
And yes, there are certainly occasions where folks have personal problems which make it hard for them to trust their own inner Abby (i.e. social anxiety, depression, alcoholism, etc.); however, that's why I said "most people." Yet, even those genuinely seeking advice aren't looking for someone to tell them what to do. They're looking for options they can't see because of mental blinders.
All that said, I also know I have the reputation of being that person who will say your girlfriend is annoying, your boyfriend is cheating on you, and if your Pops beats you, well, he's gotta sleep sometime, and when he does you wail on him with a bat until he's paralyzed. Other side of that coin, I rarely take things seriously which means bringing a thin silver thread to many situations: the upside to chemotherapy is that you'll save money not having to get haircuts {rimshot}. Hey, sometimes people need a laugh more than advice.
As such, it recently came up among friends that I should try my hand at the question-and-answer column. So here we go.
#
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't..."
-- Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life
Dear Wise Fool,
Today I was cleaning my apartment (ok really it was more like collecting dishes around the apartment and putting it in the sink to pretend I'm not actually a garbage person). As a reward for not being total garbage, I ate a big steak (yes, that's it because I can't cook much else) and I realized that I am currently a 30 year old single woman living like a 26 year post-college man. Should I be worried?
Sincerely,
Steak Lady
Dear Steak Lady,
First off, how you clean your apartment is between you and whatever tasty conception of divinity you embrace, whether it be original recipe Jesus, or kaiseki Shinto -- Shinto: the Asian faith Westerners haven't co-opted (praise Kukulkan). The point being: at least make sure there's a path. To where? Preferably one exit, but try for the bathroom, bed, and/or fridge. These can serve as game trails for hunting rats if you ever wake up in a maze of your own filth, unable to leave the apartment, feeding on whatever critters live in the clutter as well as the naive deliver personnel who foolishly wander inside.
Second, hell yeah reward steak. You should always treat yourself when you accomplish tasks, especially the ones you don't want to do. Rewards are incentives. You're more likely to do something again if your brain is under the impression there's some kind of pleasurable cause and effect. After all, no one would have sex if it felt like getting gut punched... some might, but that's another topic.
As to your main concern, the real question is are you comfortable with your situation? So many people try to contort their lives based on the misconception that by a certain point in life a person should be at point {blank}, as if life is lived according to timetables. If at 30 you're living like a post-college 26 year old man, worry should only exist if you can't pay your bills, the CDC has quarantined your apartment, or the homeless see you on the street and give you change. Life is all about finding a comfortable groove. Some folks spend their whole existence struggling to achieve that, and many often don't.
Yet, keep in mind that human existence is incredibly malleable. The fact you're expressing concerns suggests a worry perhaps there are things this lifestyle is preventing you from doing. If that's the case then make changes. I recommend eating that steak with a knife and fork to start. The barehanded, tooth and claw method of most mid-twenty males is appealing, and saves on dishwashing, but embracing some of civilization's innovations is a good way to start appreciating life from a different angle. Think of a new routine like a new outfit. Try it on, and if it doesn't feel right, you can always hang it up in the closet to show people, "See, I wore that once. Didn't like it. Who wants a handful of ice cream?"
Ultimately, I say if you're comfortable then stick with how you're living until it isn't making you happy. Don't let the apartment get too junky because your surroundings can affect your mood -- cleaning up a bit can provide a sense of accomplishment on otherwise unproductive days. (I'm speaking from experience on that last bit.) The truth is life has no settings, certainly nothing permanent. This may be how you're living now, but in a few years everything might've changed without you even doing a thing. Just remember, whatever happens, to keep yourself open to possibilities and be as happy as possible... because you'll be dead one day, and your concern on that occasion won't be the dirty dishes on the shelf. Live the way that makes you happy -- no meth, I can't stress that enough -- and if you aren't happy then make changes.
Respectfully,
Wise Fool
P.S. here's a simple bachelor grade recipe to augment that steak:
Ingredients:
One can Campbell's chicken rice soup.
One jar salsa.
Minute rice.
Shredded cheese of your choice.
Tortillas.
Directions:
Pour soup into pot. Refill empty can with minute rice, pour into pot; refill empty can with water, pour into pot. Bring to boil. Cover and reduce heat to simmer. Let sit five minutes.
Cute steak into strips. Fry in pan. When nearing desired temperature (i.e. medium rare) add rice and desired amount of salsa to pan. Stir, heating until bubbling.
Serve on tortillas with desired amount of cheese sprinkled on top. Heat of meal will melt the cheese.
Serves: 1 to make-your-own-ya-want-some.
#
Dear Wise Fool,
My friend wants to know if strawberry jelly is actually a lubricant.
Sincerely,
Asking for a friend who isn't me
Dear "Friend" of a Jelly pervert,
I take all the questions I'm asked with the seriousness of a surgeon about to crack open a child's skull, and scoop out brain cancer. So when I saw this inquiry I knew better than to assume this might be a strictly sexually inclined question.
In that regard the answer is no. If your "friend" is attempting to lube anything mechanical with strawberry jelly you can safely categorize them using the taxon dim fuck wit. All their suggestions regarding anything mechanical should henceforth be taken with a pinch of salt, by which I mean blow a pinch of salt in their eye whenever they start spouting dim fuck wit nonsense.
However, sexually speaking the question becomes a shade more complicated. Strawberry jelly can be used as a playful alternative to conventional sex lubes, but if used as such should only be applied externally. Greasy up a dick about to plunge into a hole is not a good idea. Just because something can safely go in your stomach doesn't mean it can healthily enter other orifices. Swords are one example. Speaking of which, if I stabbed you, and started pouring honey in the wound (I hope) you wouldn't think, "Well, at least now I'm full of sweetness." Obviously you already were full of sweetness otherwise I wouldn't have stabbed you with a maple tap. But I digress... the point is strawberry jelly isn't meant for internal use. It contains sugar which can foster a variety of infections, and even a minimal amount of stickiness will only be counterproductive.
Your "friend" would be better off investigating the myriad varieties of strawberry flavored lubricants designed specifically for sexual purposes. Like those intended to mitigate the unpleasant flavors stemming from ass to mouth. Yet, I don't wish to discourage anyone from enjoying experimentation. For instance, if slathering your lady's vagina with strawberry jelly like a piece of dry toast is the only way you can enjoy eating it then by all means let that jelly loose.
To recap: is strawberry jelly lubricant?
Not for anything mechanical you dim fuck wit. However, it can be a playful addition to external sexy sex sexiness.
Hungry for toast,
Wise Fool
#
If you, or your friends, or "friends" have any questions they'd like answered, write to honestyisnotcontagious@hotmail.com. In the subject line please write WISE FOOL: {your alias}, so we don't filter it into trash. We want to decide if it's trash. Remember to keep things anonymous. Also be aware, any advice is just a suggestion. Ultimately, and for legal reasons, what you do is what you choose to do. Additionally, though your questions will be regarded seriously they will be answered with varying degrees of sarcasm in the interest of humor.
Ever since high school people have come to me for advice. Why? I have no idea. The best guess I can manage is that many people vent their problems in the form of a question. They aren't actually seeking advice, just asking for it in order to indirectly bring up a particular issue. The main reason I say that is because most people don't need advice, they need someone to support the idea they already have in mind.
See, if you end up in a situation because of the choices you've made it's hard to listen to yourself since whatever dilemma you're facing feels like your fault. In a bad relationship? You got yourself in it, so can you really trust your idea how to get out of it? Of course you can, but it doesn't hurt to have a voice outside your head saying, "Do what you think is right."
And yes, there are certainly occasions where folks have personal problems which make it hard for them to trust their own inner Abby (i.e. social anxiety, depression, alcoholism, etc.); however, that's why I said "most people." Yet, even those genuinely seeking advice aren't looking for someone to tell them what to do. They're looking for options they can't see because of mental blinders.
All that said, I also know I have the reputation of being that person who will say your girlfriend is annoying, your boyfriend is cheating on you, and if your Pops beats you, well, he's gotta sleep sometime, and when he does you wail on him with a bat until he's paralyzed. Other side of that coin, I rarely take things seriously which means bringing a thin silver thread to many situations: the upside to chemotherapy is that you'll save money not having to get haircuts {rimshot}. Hey, sometimes people need a laugh more than advice.
As such, it recently came up among friends that I should try my hand at the question-and-answer column. So here we go.
#
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't..."
-- Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life
Dear Wise Fool,
Today I was cleaning my apartment (ok really it was more like collecting dishes around the apartment and putting it in the sink to pretend I'm not actually a garbage person). As a reward for not being total garbage, I ate a big steak (yes, that's it because I can't cook much else) and I realized that I am currently a 30 year old single woman living like a 26 year post-college man. Should I be worried?
Sincerely,
Steak Lady
Dear Steak Lady,
First off, how you clean your apartment is between you and whatever tasty conception of divinity you embrace, whether it be original recipe Jesus, or kaiseki Shinto -- Shinto: the Asian faith Westerners haven't co-opted (praise Kukulkan). The point being: at least make sure there's a path. To where? Preferably one exit, but try for the bathroom, bed, and/or fridge. These can serve as game trails for hunting rats if you ever wake up in a maze of your own filth, unable to leave the apartment, feeding on whatever critters live in the clutter as well as the naive deliver personnel who foolishly wander inside.
Second, hell yeah reward steak. You should always treat yourself when you accomplish tasks, especially the ones you don't want to do. Rewards are incentives. You're more likely to do something again if your brain is under the impression there's some kind of pleasurable cause and effect. After all, no one would have sex if it felt like getting gut punched... some might, but that's another topic.
As to your main concern, the real question is are you comfortable with your situation? So many people try to contort their lives based on the misconception that by a certain point in life a person should be at point {blank}, as if life is lived according to timetables. If at 30 you're living like a post-college 26 year old man, worry should only exist if you can't pay your bills, the CDC has quarantined your apartment, or the homeless see you on the street and give you change. Life is all about finding a comfortable groove. Some folks spend their whole existence struggling to achieve that, and many often don't.
Yet, keep in mind that human existence is incredibly malleable. The fact you're expressing concerns suggests a worry perhaps there are things this lifestyle is preventing you from doing. If that's the case then make changes. I recommend eating that steak with a knife and fork to start. The barehanded, tooth and claw method of most mid-twenty males is appealing, and saves on dishwashing, but embracing some of civilization's innovations is a good way to start appreciating life from a different angle. Think of a new routine like a new outfit. Try it on, and if it doesn't feel right, you can always hang it up in the closet to show people, "See, I wore that once. Didn't like it. Who wants a handful of ice cream?"
Ultimately, I say if you're comfortable then stick with how you're living until it isn't making you happy. Don't let the apartment get too junky because your surroundings can affect your mood -- cleaning up a bit can provide a sense of accomplishment on otherwise unproductive days. (I'm speaking from experience on that last bit.) The truth is life has no settings, certainly nothing permanent. This may be how you're living now, but in a few years everything might've changed without you even doing a thing. Just remember, whatever happens, to keep yourself open to possibilities and be as happy as possible... because you'll be dead one day, and your concern on that occasion won't be the dirty dishes on the shelf. Live the way that makes you happy -- no meth, I can't stress that enough -- and if you aren't happy then make changes.
Respectfully,
Wise Fool
P.S. here's a simple bachelor grade recipe to augment that steak:
Ingredients:
One can Campbell's chicken rice soup.
One jar salsa.
Minute rice.
Shredded cheese of your choice.
Tortillas.
Directions:
Pour soup into pot. Refill empty can with minute rice, pour into pot; refill empty can with water, pour into pot. Bring to boil. Cover and reduce heat to simmer. Let sit five minutes.
Cute steak into strips. Fry in pan. When nearing desired temperature (i.e. medium rare) add rice and desired amount of salsa to pan. Stir, heating until bubbling.
Serve on tortillas with desired amount of cheese sprinkled on top. Heat of meal will melt the cheese.
Serves: 1 to make-your-own-ya-want-some.
#
Dear Wise Fool,
My friend wants to know if strawberry jelly is actually a lubricant.
Sincerely,
Asking for a friend who isn't me
Dear "Friend" of a Jelly pervert,
I take all the questions I'm asked with the seriousness of a surgeon about to crack open a child's skull, and scoop out brain cancer. So when I saw this inquiry I knew better than to assume this might be a strictly sexually inclined question.
In that regard the answer is no. If your "friend" is attempting to lube anything mechanical with strawberry jelly you can safely categorize them using the taxon dim fuck wit. All their suggestions regarding anything mechanical should henceforth be taken with a pinch of salt, by which I mean blow a pinch of salt in their eye whenever they start spouting dim fuck wit nonsense.
However, sexually speaking the question becomes a shade more complicated. Strawberry jelly can be used as a playful alternative to conventional sex lubes, but if used as such should only be applied externally. Greasy up a dick about to plunge into a hole is not a good idea. Just because something can safely go in your stomach doesn't mean it can healthily enter other orifices. Swords are one example. Speaking of which, if I stabbed you, and started pouring honey in the wound (I hope) you wouldn't think, "Well, at least now I'm full of sweetness." Obviously you already were full of sweetness otherwise I wouldn't have stabbed you with a maple tap. But I digress... the point is strawberry jelly isn't meant for internal use. It contains sugar which can foster a variety of infections, and even a minimal amount of stickiness will only be counterproductive.
Your "friend" would be better off investigating the myriad varieties of strawberry flavored lubricants designed specifically for sexual purposes. Like those intended to mitigate the unpleasant flavors stemming from ass to mouth. Yet, I don't wish to discourage anyone from enjoying experimentation. For instance, if slathering your lady's vagina with strawberry jelly like a piece of dry toast is the only way you can enjoy eating it then by all means let that jelly loose.
To recap: is strawberry jelly lubricant?
Not for anything mechanical you dim fuck wit. However, it can be a playful addition to external sexy sex sexiness.
Hungry for toast,
Wise Fool
#
If you, or your friends, or "friends" have any questions they'd like answered, write to honestyisnotcontagious@hotmail.com. In the subject line please write WISE FOOL: {your alias}, so we don't filter it into trash. We want to decide if it's trash. Remember to keep things anonymous. Also be aware, any advice is just a suggestion. Ultimately, and for legal reasons, what you do is what you choose to do. Additionally, though your questions will be regarded seriously they will be answered with varying degrees of sarcasm in the interest of humor.
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