Honesty Is Not Contagious
  • Home
  • Rants
  • Beerfinger
  • Things People Feel Entitled to Know
  • Fear of Others
  • Links to Greatness

Win, Lose, or Suicide!

2/7/2013

0 Comments

 
transcribed portions from an episode of the underground game show WIN, LOSE, or SUICIDE! that used to air Tuesdays at 3 in the morning on the pirate TV station Massacre Media.

Mel:  It's time for another edition of everybody's favorite late night game show:  WIN, LOSE, OR SUICIDE!  Tonight's contestants are Marilyn Cross, a nurse from Albuquerque, who will be competing against our returning champion Devon Rusk, whom we all know has no job and therefore, no future.  Welcome back, Devon!
 
Devon:  It's good to be back, Mel.
 
Mel:  Shut the fuck up.  As he already let slip, I'm your host Mel August.  And this is Win, Lose, or Suicide!  Brought to you by Crispy Carnival Flakes -- make your breakfast a carnival of taste.
        But before you do, let's get to know our contestants.  Marilyn?
 
Marilyn:  Yes, Mel?

Mel:  How are you this fine evening?

Marilyn
:  I'm good, and excited to play.
 
Mel:  Good all around.  It says here you're a nurse.
 
Marilyn:  Yes, that's correct.  I work for the local elementary school, but I volunteer whenever I can at the nearby free clinic.
 
Mel:  That's just super.  You're better than most people.
 
Marilyn:  Well, I don't think...
 
Mel:  Of course you don't, otherwise you wouldn't be here.  Are you guys ready to play?!
 
Devon:  You betcha.
 
Marilyn:  I suppose so.

Mel
:  Oh, Marilyn, if you're only supposing then I get the feeling you don't really know what's going on.
 
Marilyn:  I don't actually.
 
Mel:  This is Win, Lose, or Suicide, and here's how we play.  Our dedicated team of professional investigators have spent countless hours digging into your background to uncover all kinds of info.
 
Marilyn:  What kinds?

Mel:  The kind you don't want anyone to know.  But here's the deal.  I'm going to ask you some questions.  For every one you get right, you'll earn the money to bribe our silence.  Do you follow?

Marilyn
:  This isn't what I thought I was signing up for.
 
Mel:  That's too bad bitch because we're hitting the ground running.  Audience!  Let's get wild.
 
Devon:  You're going down whore.
 
Mel:  Devon! Ready for war.  I like that.  And as the returning champion you get the first question.
 
Devon:  HIT ME!
 
Mel:  I will. Shortly after conducting his Sixth Symphony, this composer contracted cholera and died in St. Petersburg on November 6th, 1893.  Who was it?
 
Devon:  ...
 
Mel:  Famous composer
 
Devon:  ...I'm thinking...
 
Mel:  Died of cholera.
 
Devon:  Tchaikovsky!

Mel
:  A lucky guess... but correct nonetheless. That's a hundred dollars Devon. You're off to a great start. Marilyn, it's time for you to get in the game.  In Roman mythology this figure was the father of Morpheus, the son of Nox, and the brother of Mors.  Who am I talking about because I don't know?
 
Marilyn:  Somnus.
 
Mel:  You didn't even have to think about that one,and you're right!  Way to go Marilyn, a fantastic way to begin.  $100 in your pocket to prevent god only knows what from surfacing. Devon!  Are you ready for one?
 
Devon:  I'm diamond hard to continue.
 
Mel:  TMI, my friend.  TMI.  But here we go:  This poet and painter entered a prolonged morbid state after recovering a manuscript of poems he had buried with his dead wife, seven years after her burial.  Who was this sick son of a bitch?

Devon:  I have no idea.
 
Mel:  I'd be shocked if you did.
 
Devon:  I'd like to use my emergency line.
 
Mel:  Are you sure? You've only got one for the whole game.
 
Devon:  I'm sure. Once I get rolling proper, I can take this cooze no problem.
 
Marilyn:  Excuse me, but that's rude.
 
Mel:  Goddamn right it is.  Devon, so you're using your emergency line.
 
Devon:  Yes, I am.
 
Mel:  Then you get one hint.  This weirdo's love for his dead wife is implicit in the painting Beata Beatrix.
 
Devon:   ...

Mel:  Beata. Beatrix.
 
Devon:  I don't... fuck.
 
Mel:  I'll assume this is going nowhere...
 
Devon:  Raphael?
 
Mel:  No, not even close.  It was Dante Gabriel Rossetti.  Dante Gabriel Rossetti.
 
Devon:  Of course. Of course.
 
Mel:  Like you really knew that, Devon.  Marilyn! This is your chance to surge ahead. Are you ready?
 
Marilyn:  I am.
 
Mel:  Then let's go to a commercial break.  We'll be right back after this word from our sponsors.

 
#

 
Mel:  And we're back.  It's been a lackluster opening for both our contestants.  So far Devon is proving god loves a blind dog, while Marilyn is holding on by a tampon string.
 
Marilyn:  We're tied right now.

Mel:  Thanks Marilyn.  Nobody cares. Still, here's your chance to bring the hammer down.  For $150, can you tell me what classic erotic novel John Cleland is famous for?
 
Marilyn:  ...I don't really read erotica.
 
Mel:  Nobody does. Depending on your gear, people are either rubbing one out or in.  But I need an answer, quick as you can... right now.
 
Marilyn:  Fanny Hill?
 
Mel:  That's the best you can come up with?  Well, the judges'll take it, and so will I.  The full title, to remedy your ignorance, is Fanny Hill, or The Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure.  And they were spicy tales, according to the footnote on my card.  That puts you in the lead!  Which means it's time for our first bribe.

Marilyn
:  This is the part that worries me.
 
Mel:  Don't worry. You've got plenty of cash.  But remember:  spend it wisely.  Coming onto the stage is our private investigator Joe Sanders.  How you doing Joe?  
  
Joe:  My balls ache from fucking your girlfriend, sack slappin' against her ass, but I'm aight.
 
Mel:  Well, that was tasteless.  Joe, what have you got for us?
 
Joe:  Two nights ago I managed to photograph Marilyn here performing a particularly illegal act.
 
Marilyn:  Oh god...
 
Mel:  Marilyn knows what you're talking about, Joe.

Joe
:  I'm sure she does.  That shit was fucking whackadew.
 
Marilyn:  I'd like to offer all of my cash.
 
Mel:  Whoa! Marilyn, calm down.

Joe:  I will take all that cash.
 
Mel:  I'm sure you will, however, Marilyn, are you sure that's such a good idea?
 
Marilyn:  Absolutely.  I... I...
 
Mel:  Don't cry dear.  Don't cry. Joe, you're getting all her money, but we're not done yet.
 
Joe:  Not by a long shot.  I also got a few snappies of Devon here at the local titty bar last night.
 
Devon:  Bring it motherfucker.

Mel:  Devon, are you saying you're not giving up any of your cash?
 
Devon:  Fuck no. I'm not bribing this greasy piece of shit.  I know what's coming, and as usual, I don't give a fuck.
 
Mel:  That's my man; and why you keep on winning:  no shame.  Joe, throw your picture up on the big screen... and can we get a mop for Marilyn.  She is crying to water the world.
 
Marilyn:  I'm a horrible person.
 
Mel:  Be quiet Marilyn.  It isn't about you right now.  Joe! Put up that picture!  HOLY FUCKING GOD!  Devon!  You are taking a solid dump on that stripper.
 
Devon:  After I hit her with a bottle of tequila.  Knocked her right out.
 
Joe:  I didn't catch that part.  Sorry, Mel.
 
Mel:  It would have looked good as a sequence, but hey, we'll take what we can get.  Devon, displaying no shame, returns to the lead. However, Marilyn isn't out of the race.  After all, she's still got her secret. We'll see how she cashes it in later. So don't go anywhere because we'll be right back with more Win, Lose, or Suicide!


#

 
Mel:  It's been an interesting game so far.  Twenty minutes of combat and some frankly disturbing revelations on both side -- Devon, deranged as usual, and Marilyn, apparently a hobo carving housewife -- we're coming to the end of the line.
 
Marilyn:  I can feel my soul screaming.
 
Mel:  That's great, Marilyn.  We're going to need that dramatic energy for the final round.  Devon, you're currently in the lead with $900.  Plus, you've got three secrets stashed you can trade in for bonus cash.  What are your plans?
 
Devon:  To rip this twisted bitch's ass wide open.
 
Mel:  Good man. Marilyn, how's that make you feel?
 
Marilyn:  I don't think I feel anything anymore.  I thought this was just a trivia show.
 
Mel:  Well, trivia stems from the word trivial, and there are a lot of meanings in there. Okay!  Let's get roaring.  Audience, it's that time.  We're about to bring out some thermonuclear revelations about the people our contestants care about, things which may change their opinion of loved ones forever. However, they can always pay for silence.  Devon, you've got the lead, so that means Marilyn gets to go first.  Look up there honey.
 
Marilyn:  What?
 
Mel:  That's a picture of your husband, Andrew, correct?

Marilyn:  Yes.
 
Mel:  And how long have you two been married?
 
Marilyn:  14 years.
 
Mel:  And I assume he doesn't know about the hobo stabbings.
 
Marilyn:  No.
 
Mel:  As it should be.  Now, Marilyn, you're in a close second with $800.  If Devon ends up spending over a hundred for whatever reason, you can win this game.
 
Marilyn:  Joy.
 
Mel:  Try to sound like you mean it.  Because here's the catch:  you could win if you don't spend a dime.  However, that close up of your husband we just put on screen is about to pull back unless you offer our investigator a bribe.
 
Marilyn:  I don't... there's nothing they could... Andrew is a good man.
 
Mel:  I'm sure you think that.  But we're about to find out just how good.  The question is can you live with what you're about to learn?  Because if you can don't spend any cash.
 
Marilyn:  Mel, I'm going to let you show me that picture.
 
Mel:  God bless you, Marilyn.  When I heard about this one I thought to myself, "Please have the lady balls to let us show this."  And here it is:  your husband punching a five year old child straight in the face.
 
Marilyn:  I'm sure he had his reasons.
 
Mel:  You are a devoted woman, Marilyn, and I respect that.
 
Marilyn:  Thanks. I think.
 
Mel:  Devon, get your ass down here.
 
Devon:  No need, Mel. I'm not spending a dime.  I don't give a fuck what you got.

Mel:  Even granny porn?
 
Devon:  I'll give you a hundred bucks not to put the photo up.

Joe:  SOLD!
 
Mel:  Fan-tastic! Cuz I don't want to see that shit either.  However, holy crippled Christ, we've got a tie.  Audience, you know what that means... right now our technicians are leading our two contestants to the isolation booths where they'll be subjected to the most hideous revelations about themselves we could unearth. Whoever doesn't kill themselves will be our winner.         
             But while they're in there, being reminded of the nightmare people they are, I'd like to say a word about Crispy Carnival Flakes.  Not every breakfast is a delight, and eating right can be such a bore.  Crispy Carnival Flakes are bursting with everything you need to put a smile on your face.  They're sweetly delicious and surprisingly nutritious.  You won't believe they're good for you.  Crunch into a carnival of taste today.
         ...and the sound of that shotgun can mean only one thing.  We have a winner!  And the booths are opening; and our winner is -- here's a real shocker folks! -- Marilyn.  Marilyn is today's champion.  Congratulations.
 
Marilyn:  Yeah, well, uh huh, yeah.

Mel:  That means she keeps all the money she has left and will be back tomorrow to compete again on Win, Lose, or Suicide!             
          That's all the time we have folks.  Thanks for tuning in, and remember:  society may be spiraling down a chaotic
stygian nightmare, but that doesn't mean you can't crunch into a carnival of taste. Goodnight everybody.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author

    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

    Archives

    July 2025
    June 2025
    April 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    April 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011

    Categories

    All
    Essay
    In Verse
    Periodical
    Periodicals
    Rants
    Visions

    RSS Feed

    Fiction Vortex
Web Hosting by iPage