Once upon a time Black Friday Eve used to be call Thanksgiving. While it is true, for many, Thanksgiving always meant the starting pistol for Giftmas, there was also another intention behind the holiday. It marked a time to gather with family for no apparent reason other than to binge into a coma; and Thanksgiving has often been an occasion for shallow intellectuals to bring up Native Americans (congratulations, although you've devoted zero effort or money to Native American causes you've managed to take a few minutes at one point during the year to make others uncomfortable in order to further nothing more than your own pretentions). But at its' heart, the real Thanksgiving is about turkey myths, sex, and booze.
1. I Dunno Wha' 'Appened, Buh Ima Willin' Tuh Bet It Wuz Awesome.
There's nothing like finishing a fine box of wine then climbing behind the wheel for a leisurely drive through the neighbor's front room. Buh-buh-booze is an integral part of any family get together. Nothing brings out the truth like a batch of apple pie (http://allrecipes.com/recipe/apple-pie-mixed-drinks/). However, there are those who tend to ruin things for the rest of us good hearted alcoholics.
Mainly, I'm talking about the holiday drunks. Those irresponsible fools who think they can once or twice a year drink like the rest of us. They're not unlike people who decide to run a marathon a week before the race. With no preparation they find themselves shockingly ill equipped to handle the radical intensity of holiday consumption. And it's these assholes who are responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people every Thanksgiving as well as the incarceration of too many innocent casual drunks, who, though they know how to drive after five pints of apple pie, get caught in the net with the holiday losers.
2. The Pilgrims Seek a Land Less Free.
Every American knows the story of the Pilgrims. A group of persecuted Christians left the land of their tormentors seeking a place they could practice their religious views in peace. It's a neat little piece of fiction, mostly because it uses just enough truth to seem genuine.
The real story goes more along these lines:
Yes, the Pilgrims fled from persecution in England to the more tolerant land of... Holland. In the city of Leiden, the Pilgrims found themselves free to practice their particular brand of Christianity among other things. It seems that the Dutch were considered too laid back by Pilgrim standards. So easy going in fact that Pilgrim children were leaving the faith in droves for more libertine pursuits -- have a drink, have a fuck, and have a nice day.
Fearing the extinction of their beliefs, Pilgrim leaders decided to depart for somewhere no one could a provide a better option than Pilgrim beliefs. So it was they came to America.
3. One Vague Line in a Diary Condemns Millions of Turkeys Across Time.
Around about 1854 an editor for Godey's Lady's Book, a magazine, came across something called Mourt's Relations: A Journal of the Pilgrims at Plymouth. Written by the colonist Edward Winslow, the journal recounts much of the Plymouth colony's early days. More importantly, it contains a firsthand account of the first Thanksgiving.
Based on Winslow's testimony there is no way to know what was eaten at the first Thanksgiving. His account is basically just a vague recollection that there was food, and people ate it. However, in his defense, why would anyone think, "You know what? I feel this meal we slapped together last night will become a tradition so important that a historical record must be made of what upon we did feast this day, so that future generations may sup as we did." Even if such a notion crossed Winslow's mind, the fact he didn't do as much shows he realized nobody would give a shit... until 1854.
Sarah Josepha Hale, the editor for Godey's Lady Book, was writing a series of articles about Thanksgiving. Focusing on recipes for the occasion, then a regional rather than a national affair, Hale heard about Winslow's book. Perhaps hoping to create some connective tissue between past and present, Hale went through Mourt's Relations in search of traditional Pilgrim cuisine. When she came across a brief line about hunting for wild turkeys, Hale decided to publish a few articles about roast turkey being served for Thanksgiving.
Thus, a casual sentence about turkey hunting led to an article about roasting turkeys for Thanksgiving giving birth to tradition and myth. Oh, and the exact words that inspired all this, "And besides waterfowl there was great store of wild turkeys, of which they took many, besides venison, etc." Well, more has been made of less.
4. Blame It on the Bird.
Food coma. The itis. I'm-Not-Drunk-I-Just-Had-a-Lotta-Turkey.
Many people post Thanks-gorging will endeavor to stay awake. In an effort to seem clever, a few will reference the specific cause of their lethargy: tryptophan. Those who do so are only revealing their ignorance.
Sure, there's tryptophan in turkey, and said chemical is such an effective sedative you can buy it as a sleep aid in pill form. The only problem is the actual amount present in turkey meat is not nearly high enough to knock a person out. The actual cause for the after feast coma is a rush of blood to the abdomen and an increase in metabolic rate for digestion. In other words, any large solid-food meal will have the same effect regardless of the absence of tryptophan. Additionally, other foods not commonly associated with food coma contain more tryptophan than turkey: milk, cheese, and pork.
To avoid the itis this season just don't stuff your fatass to bursting. Or include more protein rich foods as protein limits the absorption of tryptophan into the body. Though, all that aside, I know many treat the holidays like an excuse to eat like the awful pig you deny yourself being year round. So if you are compelled to go big keep in mind the turducken is for pussies.
5. I Was Watching Porn the Other Day, and Started Wondering How Much Meat Can I Get in One Bird.
Meet Anne Petch. She runs the Heal Farm shop near Kings Nympton. She has created a multi-bird roast of biblical proportions. She calls her creation the True Love Roast. Clocking in at 56 pounds and an estimated 50,000 calories, her epic creation contains no less than 12 various birds and stuffings: turkey, goose, chicken, pheasant, partridge, pigeon squab, Aylesbury duck, Barbary duck, poussin, guinea fowl, mallard-and quail with herb and fruit stuffings. Capable of feeding 125 people, this behemoth easily makes the turducken seem like a lazy man's attempt at being clever.
6. Pumpkin Pie Gets Your Dick Wet
The realities of aphrodisiacs are often disappointing. Spanish Fly is more likely to kill than arouse. At best it severely poisons. Yohimbe as well as sparrow brains also have disappointing results. However, there is some hope left, and it arrives every Thanksgiving.
The aroma of pumpkin pie has been scientifically proven to increase blood flow to the penis by as much as 40% -- just the scent of pumpkin pie can get ya dick going. Tack on some lavender, and you might end up banging your lover on top of the True Love Roast in front of god and all family present. Keep that in mind when the dessert comes out, and your Dad seems too excited by pie.