Honesty Is Not Contagious
  • Home
  • Rants
  • Beerfinger
  • Things People Feel Entitled to Know
  • Fear of Others
  • Links to Greatness

New Year's Resolutions 2014

1/1/2014

0 Comments

 

I learned something last night.  Despite my best efforts I'm getting older.  I walked 1.5 miles, and couldn't smoke a cigarette at the end without coughing.  My body just couldn't handle that kind of awesome anymore.  When people get into bar fights I no longer think I should get in the middle of that because I've never been stabbed.  Now I just want the fighters to shut the fuck up; go somewhere else to prove who's the bigger asshole.  Sigh, I've been turning my stereo down because it feels too loud.  Maybe someday when my first born has grown up to its full potential I can eat its heart to steal its youth, but for now I have to accept the fact that aging means, perhaps, the time has come to make some New Year's resolutions. 

I've never been a fan of this process.  Most people tend to make them either sarcastically or unrealistically.  Plus, the whole concept is an admission of one's flaws.  I'm not saying I have none, however, that's like having a -- I dunno -- giant space station with one obvious weak spot then crafting a map leading direct to said vulnerability.  It's the little details which prevent galactic domination.  Yet, I've come to realize this chink in the armor outlook is the wrong perspective.  People make their resolutions public in order to increase the likelihood of their success.  For instance, if one pledges to quit smoking, letting friends know about the resolution means certain support factors kick in when one is caught smoking again (i.e. shame).   

The act of making resolutions has many origins.  Ancient Babylonians promised their gods at the start of each new year to repay their debts and return borrowed objects.  Medieval knights would take the peacock-vow at the end of Christmas to reaffirm their commitment to chivalry.  And of course, Christians and Jews have their own holiday periods during which individuals are supposed to reflect on their shortcomings then make sacrifices and avow to be a better Jew or Christian in the days ahead.  The point being it doesn't matter where the practice comes from since, according to a 2007 study conducted by Richard Wiseman at the University of Bristol, when it comes to New Year's resolutions 88% of people (in a sample of ground of 3,000) will fail.   

So it would seem that there is a second benefit to making resolutions this year:  the opportunity to be better than 2,640 people.  Never mind the chance to say fuck you to my body for betraying me via the natural aging process, I've got odds to beat.  BANZAI!

 

1.  Health the Bacon Way

Shedding lard and eating right are the most common resolutions.  I can't say I exactly have the healthiest diet in the world.  In fact, what I tend to eat might be considered a subtle form of suicide.  Yet, I try to keep in mind there worse ways to die.  Murdering my liver with fast food, booze, and colas is better than, say, dying in fire.  I don't suspect fire tastes very good.  Still, the time has come to, at the very least, scale things back.   

So this year I resolve to call a suicide hotline before indulging in any fast food; and to start running from my demons which compel me to delicious acts of self destruction.  No more manhattans and bacon cheeseburgers with a side of Marlboros.  Instead, it's jogging in a state of mild depression followed by big salads. 

 

2.  Explore Canada by fucking hookers

You heard me.  Unlike most Americans, I don't have a problem with Canadia.  I know they're just as fucked up as anyone else.  The violent crime rate in Vancouver has been on a steady rise the past decade, and I can't be the only person who remembers when Vince Weiguang Li decapitated people on a Montreal Greyhound bus.  Mayor Ford ring any bells?  Canada is just as deranged as anywhere else, but like a small town, the country has a good habit of keeping the weird under wraps.  I intend to explore the seamy underbelly of the Great White North, and bring back even more definite proof that Canada is wearing a veil to hide its twisted dark side.  And if that means hop scotching from pay-snatch to pay-snatch, so be it because in Canada prostitution is very legal. 

What I'm getting at is I don't travel enough. 

And that should do it.  No sense in going overboard the first time around.  I've never really made, much less tried keeping New Year's resolutions, so it seems best to start with a small amount.  Health, sex, and weirdness.  What more does a person need to aspire towards?   

Next year I can always go bigger.  I'll resolve the usual simple stuff:  feed the hungry, defeat evil, kill a celebrity, be more politically involved, save a baby from a baby with a knife (or perhaps a start a league of knife fighting babies), domesticate pine martens, and prove the existence of god... then kill god for all the dumb shit its pulled.  But such demonstrations of my own epic stature will have to wait till 2015.  This year is all about admitting there's a little room for improvement.

0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author

    J. Rohr enjoys making orphans feel at home in ovens and fashioning historical re-enactments out of dead pets collected from neighbors’ backyards.

    Archives

    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    April 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011

    Categories

    All
    Essay
    In Verse
    Periodical
    Periodicals
    Rants
    Visions

    RSS Feed

    Fiction Vortex
Web Hosting by iPage