Melinda adjusted the mic in her lapel. She recited a brief affirmation (“I am the wind that spins the world.”) before slapping on a grin. The usual plastic expression she put on couldn’t compare with this smile. It’s not every night a reporter gets to scoop the president. Her producer spoke to her through her earpiece, confirming last minute details and changes. Melinda muttered acknowledgement. She sniffed the air. Her face contorted. She turned on the air freshener under the anchor desk. Refreshing mint fumes wafted up in invisible clouds fighting the shit stink polluting everything.
The camera operator signaled her. The countdown began. 3, 2, 1…
“Hello, and welcome to the nightly news. I’m Melinda Rutherford-Sanchez. Tonight’s top story is the only story on all our minds. It’s been sixteen days since skies all over Earth began raining, for lack of a better word, shit. For sixteen straight days irregular outbreaks of nightmarish fecal smelling mud have fallen from the sky. Reports from around the globe confirm no part of the world is safe, and though these, what are commonly referred to as shitstorms, do stop they can continue for extended periods of time.
“Tonight we’re joined by Dr. Uli Gerstner.” She pivoted to acknowledge the bearded, bespectacled man next to her, “Dr. Gerstner.”
Camera cut to include him as he spoke, “Hello.”
Melinda steered the conversation, “Let’s get right to the point. You know the cause of this phenomenon.”
Dr. Gerstner nodded, “Yes. Myself and other scientists around the world have all shared their data allowing us to discover the cause of this… unpleasantness.”
“Please, doctor, what have you found?”
“The simplest way to put this is that interdimensional gateways have opened in our atmosphere, and through these the, uh, sewage, has come.”
“I see.” Melinda did not expect that answer. Dr. Gerstner had only spoken with her producer, who kept details vague. When it came to big stories the man feared leaks like a sail boat.
Her slight hesitation caused her producer to hiss, “Keep him talking.”
“You said ‘sewage.’”
“Yeah.”
“Most people would call it, if you’ll pardon me, shit.”
Gerstner nodded, “Yes, well, it’s not solely, uh, shit. Although there is a fecal component to the waste raining on us, investigation has discovered much of it is composed of several different putrefied materials. There’s reason to believe – how shall I put this? Think of it like bio-mechanical waste. If your car broke down to an unfixable degree, and it began to decay like fruit, much of what you call the shit is made of this: biodegradable industrial materials.”
“Fascinating.”
Gerstner’s eyes brightened, “In a way it really is. The sophistication of this other dimension is astounding.”
Melinda leaned forward, “But Dr. Gerstner, if this pollution is biodegradable why are they pumping it into our world?”
“Ah, well, you see biodegradation doesn’t happen overnight. It can take months, maybe even a few short years, during which time there is still a problem of buildup. Consider, in the United States, the average person produces 2 kg of garbage per day, about 4.4 pounds. And it stands to reason that a society that has limited environmental consequences from their refuse might become, however inadvertently, more wasteful.”
Heeding her producer’s advice to repackage that answer tighter Melinda said, “Since it doesn’t matter what they throw away they throw away more creating mountains of slowly rotting materials.”
“Exactly.”
Covering the bases, “Why is this the first we’re hearing about this? Why hasn’t the government informed the public?”
“They’re afraid people will react badly to the news. I feel the people have a right to know, good news or ill.”
Asking the obvious, “Is there anything we can do to stop this?”
Dr. Gerstner rubbed his hands together, “We do not have the means to close these gateways, but although travel is one way we were able to send a communication through. Our hope being that they did not know what they were doing.”
“Have you received any response?”
Hesitation.
She pressed, “Doctor?”
He sighed, “It is an Earth from a parallel universe, so to speak. In many ways we have much in common.”
Her producer came thru her earpiece, “He’s stalling.”
Melinda cut in, “Doctor. Have you received any communication from this other Earth?”
“Yes… They are aware this reality is inhabited by intelligent life, and they stated that after observing us they decided… and I quote, ‘You’ll get used to it. It shouldn’t be a great leap.’”
Melinda blinked. Her producer shared the silence. The quote appeared beneath her onscreen just as Melinda started speaking again.
“You say we don’t have the technological capability to close these sewer gates, but can’t we reverse engineer any of the biodegradable tech that’s come through?”
“Perhaps, given time, but it’ll take at least a decade to make any progress worth mentioning.”
Melinda donned a tight grin to hide the impact of that grim forecast. She already guessed that the average daily waste of a society probably didn’t offer many peaks at their scientific prowess. Her own lifetime accumulation of garbage wouldn’t afford a glimpse of how to split the atom. Maybe some tossed out paperback hinting at such a discovery, but the actual means of accomplishing it certainly wouldn’t be there.
Her producer warned her she only had a few moments left. Melinda always tried to aim for an optimistic close, “Dr. Gerstner, is there anything you could tell us that might be of some comfort to those at home?”
Dr. Gerstner said, “I’ve heard rumors that parts of the world, areas in Africa and so forth, have reported revitalized land, this sewage acting like powerful fertilizer, but I can’t confirm if such stories are true.”
“Thank you doctor.” Melinda turned. Camera cut leaving her alone on screen, “When we come back, sports and the extinction of open air arenas.”
The camera operator signaled her. The countdown began. 3, 2, 1…
“Hello, and welcome to the nightly news. I’m Melinda Rutherford-Sanchez. Tonight’s top story is the only story on all our minds. It’s been sixteen days since skies all over Earth began raining, for lack of a better word, shit. For sixteen straight days irregular outbreaks of nightmarish fecal smelling mud have fallen from the sky. Reports from around the globe confirm no part of the world is safe, and though these, what are commonly referred to as shitstorms, do stop they can continue for extended periods of time.
“Tonight we’re joined by Dr. Uli Gerstner.” She pivoted to acknowledge the bearded, bespectacled man next to her, “Dr. Gerstner.”
Camera cut to include him as he spoke, “Hello.”
Melinda steered the conversation, “Let’s get right to the point. You know the cause of this phenomenon.”
Dr. Gerstner nodded, “Yes. Myself and other scientists around the world have all shared their data allowing us to discover the cause of this… unpleasantness.”
“Please, doctor, what have you found?”
“The simplest way to put this is that interdimensional gateways have opened in our atmosphere, and through these the, uh, sewage, has come.”
“I see.” Melinda did not expect that answer. Dr. Gerstner had only spoken with her producer, who kept details vague. When it came to big stories the man feared leaks like a sail boat.
Her slight hesitation caused her producer to hiss, “Keep him talking.”
“You said ‘sewage.’”
“Yeah.”
“Most people would call it, if you’ll pardon me, shit.”
Gerstner nodded, “Yes, well, it’s not solely, uh, shit. Although there is a fecal component to the waste raining on us, investigation has discovered much of it is composed of several different putrefied materials. There’s reason to believe – how shall I put this? Think of it like bio-mechanical waste. If your car broke down to an unfixable degree, and it began to decay like fruit, much of what you call the shit is made of this: biodegradable industrial materials.”
“Fascinating.”
Gerstner’s eyes brightened, “In a way it really is. The sophistication of this other dimension is astounding.”
Melinda leaned forward, “But Dr. Gerstner, if this pollution is biodegradable why are they pumping it into our world?”
“Ah, well, you see biodegradation doesn’t happen overnight. It can take months, maybe even a few short years, during which time there is still a problem of buildup. Consider, in the United States, the average person produces 2 kg of garbage per day, about 4.4 pounds. And it stands to reason that a society that has limited environmental consequences from their refuse might become, however inadvertently, more wasteful.”
Heeding her producer’s advice to repackage that answer tighter Melinda said, “Since it doesn’t matter what they throw away they throw away more creating mountains of slowly rotting materials.”
“Exactly.”
Covering the bases, “Why is this the first we’re hearing about this? Why hasn’t the government informed the public?”
“They’re afraid people will react badly to the news. I feel the people have a right to know, good news or ill.”
Asking the obvious, “Is there anything we can do to stop this?”
Dr. Gerstner rubbed his hands together, “We do not have the means to close these gateways, but although travel is one way we were able to send a communication through. Our hope being that they did not know what they were doing.”
“Have you received any response?”
Hesitation.
She pressed, “Doctor?”
He sighed, “It is an Earth from a parallel universe, so to speak. In many ways we have much in common.”
Her producer came thru her earpiece, “He’s stalling.”
Melinda cut in, “Doctor. Have you received any communication from this other Earth?”
“Yes… They are aware this reality is inhabited by intelligent life, and they stated that after observing us they decided… and I quote, ‘You’ll get used to it. It shouldn’t be a great leap.’”
Melinda blinked. Her producer shared the silence. The quote appeared beneath her onscreen just as Melinda started speaking again.
“You say we don’t have the technological capability to close these sewer gates, but can’t we reverse engineer any of the biodegradable tech that’s come through?”
“Perhaps, given time, but it’ll take at least a decade to make any progress worth mentioning.”
Melinda donned a tight grin to hide the impact of that grim forecast. She already guessed that the average daily waste of a society probably didn’t offer many peaks at their scientific prowess. Her own lifetime accumulation of garbage wouldn’t afford a glimpse of how to split the atom. Maybe some tossed out paperback hinting at such a discovery, but the actual means of accomplishing it certainly wouldn’t be there.
Her producer warned her she only had a few moments left. Melinda always tried to aim for an optimistic close, “Dr. Gerstner, is there anything you could tell us that might be of some comfort to those at home?”
Dr. Gerstner said, “I’ve heard rumors that parts of the world, areas in Africa and so forth, have reported revitalized land, this sewage acting like powerful fertilizer, but I can’t confirm if such stories are true.”
“Thank you doctor.” Melinda turned. Camera cut leaving her alone on screen, “When we come back, sports and the extinction of open air arenas.”
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